Alarming

Awoke at 3 a.m. to a loud humming sound and wondered why the furnace was so loud and wouldn't shut off.  Opened my eyes and saw bright flashing red and blue lights through the bedroom window. And then smelled smoke.  I looked out to see the hum was the idling engines of about five fire engines and numerous other emergency vehicles in the street behind my house.  In my grogginess I thought it might be my own house but as I quickly dressed, realized it had to be a next door neighbor.  It was.  I stood outside long enough to see that they had brought out all the people, though I didn't see the pets.  Smoke was pouring from the roof but no visible flames from here.

Very alarming.

I could see no way to be of help without getting in the way, so I went inside.  No more sleep.  I would just sit and watch and wait.  Now about two hours later, a few of the vehicles are starting to put equipment away and leave. 

It was Frost's house -- Gene and Donna's.  Well, that was until Gene died and Donna moved away.  Years ago.  Friends of ours -- of Doug before he died, and mine. And after several subsequent owners, the present ones who are a young couple.  The young guy of the loud stereo, loud parties, loud motorcycle, and on one occasion, brandishing guns in the front yard, all which disturbs my peace.  The young woman who just moved in with him a few months ago.  I saw they both were safely out of the house.  But I don't see their dogs.  A house fire is something you wouldn't wish on even someone like this who has been most unneighborly to the rest of us on the street.  It's a terrible, frightening thing.

I looked at the house now with dark windows, some standing open.  A tall ladder to one.  A really pretty house.  Gene and Donna had made it so lovely.  It triggers so many memories of when the kids were small and growing up.  And now to see it suffer this tragedy. 

You think of the fragility of life.  Of the passage of time.  Where we have come to.  How quickly things can change.  The lessons of life.  I wonder how to start my day, doing my cleaning, buying the flowers for my patio pots, tending the grandchildren, when such an event has shattered lives so nearby. 

Calories Do Count

Having finished a six-week challenge with an online friend, I'm embarking on a 10-week personal challenge much like the one just finished.  I have proven I can be successful in adhering to a program over a shorter period of time, and now want to see if I can have the same discipline for an extended period.

A couple of items reinforced my approach this week.  I caught a bit of Oprah one day as she presented 50 or so women who had been on a trainer's program in which they did 300 minutes of exercise per week and limited calories to 1700 per day.  They also had a skin care routine and sleep advice in their simple program, much like my own except that my calorie intake has been even more limited than that.  Individuals lost between 6 and 27 pounds over a period of 60 days.  Much depended on their adherence to the program.

On the same day I saw a news item about a man (a college professor perhaps, I'm not positive) who wanted to prove that you could lose weight regardless of what you ate as long as you paid attention to the total calories consumed.  To prove his point he lost weight while eating Twinkies and other junk food.

Well yes, I completely agree a calorie is a calorie is a calorie, and to lose weight you just need to burn more calories than you consume.  During my program I had at various times spaghetti and meatballs, mac n cheese, creme brulee.  But not every day.  And always compensated for with other calories during the day.  But I have found that I'm much better off to get my calories from foods that provide the most possible nutrition and also satisfy my hunger over longer periods of time.  For this reason I include breads and pastas in my daily calories and lots of veggies.  I've eliminated butter and nearly all added fats and have greatly reduced the sodium I consume simply because I eat so little pre-prepared food.  I do take a vitamin/mineral supplement too as I'm not confident I'm getting everything my body needs.  The bottom line is that I've found you can consume a pretty low number of calories and not feel hungry depending on what you choose to eat.

Yesterday at work a co-worker brought in a big plate of homemade cupcakes for our meeting.  I estimated in my head the calories and decided I could have a cupcake or lunch but not both.  I opted for lunch.

These are decisions I make every day.  I don't have chips, cookies, ice cream in the house unless grandchildren are coming.  If I want a sweet snack like chocolate, I buy a single portion, to allow no leftovers to tempt me later.

And I don't cheat.  If I cheat, the person I sabotage is myself.

I have such a sense of my life changing right now with so many transitions taking place, and I feel this is so right to get myself as physically healthy and fit as possible for last decades of my life.  That has been motivation enough to keep me on track and committed.

I appreciate the many words of encouragement from those who check in here from time to time.  If you are facing similar issues in your life, I urge you to try a simple program like this.  It is so rewarding when you see the results.  If you do, would you let me know?  I'd be very interested.

Peeling off more layers

Today's celebration is for significant weight loss.  I've been on a very strict regimen and it's paying off.   Yes, I've lost weight, a good amount.  But I've also seen real progress in how my clothes fit.  I have two sizes of clothes in my closet and sadly I'm wearing the larger of the two.  But until I started this program, that size was becoming extremely tight and I was in danger of needing yet another size up. I couldn't let that happen.  But after just four weeks of effort, pants that used to pinch at the waist with serious muffin top now sit comfortably and loose at the waist, and thighs no longer look like sausages in them. I tried on the next size down and zipped it up, but still too snug--but we'll get there.  It's nice to see progress not only on the scales but how clothing fits and how I feel.  A big plus is having less pain walking up and down stairs.

The program I follow is self-prescribed and simple:

• I walk 3+ miles per day, 5 days a week (about an hour).  
• I limit calories to under 1500 (more like 1200, in fact)
• I do something nice for myself every day (this is harder than you might think)
• I log (yes or no) if I engage in any emotional eating

I log everything on a shared spreadsheet where my friend and I exchange comments and encouragement for each other.

Only a few times has the walking been difficult because of weather. But I walk on a flat area that has helped me to build up my stamina and improve my pace.  I use RunKeeper.com and GPS on my phone to track my walks and prompt me at each half mile I achieve.  Today I walked 4.4 miles.  When I walk in the morning, my energy is up and I can last longer.  At the end of this program I plan to start walking more on the hills, improving my pace, and varying my exercise with bike riding as weather permits.  Minimum an hour a day, whatever the activity.

Limiting calories would be hard except that I am very careful about what I choose to eat right now.  You can eat a lot of vegetables with a very low calorie count.  I add no butter and I limit even olive oil which has 120 calories per tablespoon.  No food is "illegal" but if I want to eat out, I compensate at other meals.  Usually I'll eat half and take the rest home for another meal.  At home sandwiches are one slice of bread instead of two.   I use light soy milk on dry cereal instead of regular milk.  Many dinners are nothing but veggies.  I bought a little notebook that is just for tracking food and calories--each day starts on a new page.  I've had only a couple of days where I exceeded my goal, only as a result of social eating.  But I have no guilt for that as I also need to be with friends and sometimes that involves food.  But one thing is for sure: if I'm going to consume more calories, they'd darn well better be extra delicious!  The key to success is planning ahead what I will eat and having low calorie snacks on hand for when I really feel the need.

I've wanted to track the emotional eating issue to see if my state of mind affects how I eat.  I think I've been so successful at keeping a positive viewpoint, that I have rarely had episodes I would call emotional eating.  And even then, I'll just have a fruit or graham cracker and stay within allowed calories.  But as they say, nothing succeeds like success.  The more I lose, the more motivated I am to stick with it.

Our challenge ends in two more weeks, but I am going to continue my program for longer and continue tracking.  Even though I've lost quite a bit, I still have a long ways to go to reach my ideal weight.  Incidentally, weight goals are not in my program.  I do weigh, but I don't have a target for each week.  I know if I follow the plan, the pounds will come off, and they do.

Continuing to emerge.

February

Cruel February

Oh, cruel February!

You, with your thaws

And your rains,

And small green shoots under the Jupiter's Beard.

You, teasing me with your songbirds

And flocks of swans winging northward

And your blue skies,

And your false hope.

I see you outside my window now

Fierce, unrelenting, and white.

My coffee cup is empty

And soon I must get out my snow shovel
Again.

Becky Stauffer

February 20, 2011

UPDATE: As if right on cue, an entire flock of robins arrives today.

Dammit! Slipped Again!

Exactly three years ago this month I fell and injured my ankle.  It was supposed to take two to six weeks to heal, but for months afterward there was lingering pain in that leg.  After that I resolved to always watch my step, especially on stairs where women do most of their falling.  But it only takes one lapse.  Yesterday I was on my lunch break and eager to get a few things done around the house.  I had finally finished the huge shredding project of all the ex's old papers and was carrying two big bags of shredded paper and a cardboard box out to the recycling bin. Two small flights of stairs, I just tossed the box and then followed it down carrying the bags, unable to see the stairs and thinking about other things when *crash* my foot slipped off the last step and down I went.  I felt the ankle pain immediately and just hoped it wasn't broken.

I appears I've re-injured it in the same place.  I still had the ankle brace from the last episode, so iced the injury, immobilized it, and kept it elevated as much as possible.  The swelling is not as bad as the previous injury--probably because I got the ice and compression on it sooner this time.

Well, I'm hobbling.  It's not broken.  But it hurts and I'm mad at myself for forgetting my own advice.

A Toast to a Day of Love

There are so many takes on this day. Some people are celebrating the fact they are a couple. Some expecting gifts and tokens. Some expecting a wild night of passion. Some cynical over past disappointments. Some scoffing that it’s all nothing but silly romance.

But not me—my take is different. For me this is a day to stop and appreciate love in all its forms that has graced my life. To acknowledge the relationships, even the transitory ones, that I truly believed at the time to be deep and meaningful, and that had a lasting effect on my life.

When we get old, we’re supposed to get wise. And since I’ve reached an age where people are sometimes referred to in news stories as “elderly” , I think I will use that excuse to offer a few tidbits that I’ve learned in my lifetime.

When in a relationship, don’t wait for gifts. Why set yourself up for disappointment? I buy fresh flowers for myself because I enjoy them. If your loved one doesn’t think of flowers, it’s not because they love you less—it’s more likely because they don’t read minds.

If you’re paying attention, you’ll see plenty of signals that confirm that special bond: a wordless shared look that you both clearly understand; an unsolicited compliment like “Dinner was great, babe;” a lingering moment as he passes and notices some nice fragrance about you; a thoughtful act like warming up the car for you on a cold morning; or getting himself a drink in the evening and bringing you one, too.

Pay attention. It’s the little things that add meaning to a relationship—that confirm the love. It’s noticing those things that makes you value the relationship more.

Relationships are all temporary. They end for all kinds of reasons. If our happiness is based solely on being in a good relationship, at some point in life we will be very unhappy. It’s good to remember the good things that brought you together to begin with. It’s good to remember good things between you when you were together. It’s good to forgive and forget the things that brought the relationship to an end. If the end was the death of a loved one, it’s good to find a point where you can stop crying and be happy about the good things you shared.

All things will end. But life is wasted only if we fail to appreciate the moment we are in now and also the things we have had in the past.

Strive to be at peace with all the loves that have come and gone in your life and when you reach old age, whether you are with a partner or you are alone, you can say, “I regret nothing.”  Won't you join me in a toast to that sentiment today?
~~~

I regret nothing

There are places I remember
All my life,
Though some have changed.
Some forever, not for better,
Some have gone
And some remain.
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall.
Some are dead and some are living,
In my life I loved them all.
(Lennon-McCartney)

Happy day of Love. <3

Worth Waiting For

When the air clears and warms up a little, February can be quite beautiful.  This sunset lasted a long time tonight and I just sat and watched and finally decided I needed to take its picture.

Inversion again

Yet again, the inversion has settled in making for dismal daytime weather and bad air for those who like to breathe.  Before the sun came up this morning, I could not even see across the street.  Now visibility is slightly better, but there is no view of mountains or valley.  We are promised a snowstorm tonight, significant enough to blow away the stagnation.  I abandoned my plans to look for bald eagles this weekend.

Winter is not yet over.  The snow has been melting and temps have been in the high 30's and even 40's of late, which feels good after long stretches below freezing.  But the cold temps are also predicted to return by mid-week.  It's a reminder that winter extends into March here, and even after that continues to make appearances. 

Still, as January draws to a close, I resist the temptation to simply appreciate surviving it.  There has been good progress indoors on my projects.  Good things are happening at work.  And I can even see beauty in the fog through my windows (as long as I don't try to breathe it).  Life is too short to simply write off a month out of every year.  It behooves us to make the time we have worthwhile.  As for me, I'm sticking to the plan.

Cocooning

The air outside is unbreathable.  We are urged to drive less.  Burning in fireplaces and wood stoves is forbidden.  Those with respiratory conditions are advised to stay indoors / not exercise.  It's a "red air day" - common for January in northern Utah.  Often the worst air in the U.S. at the time.

The mountains in northern Utah form something of a bowl around the Wasatch Front communities.  Wintertime air stagnation causes fog from the lake and pollutants from vehicles, planes, and industry to become trapped at low elevations where most of us live, while the air higher in the mountains is clear and beautiful.  We look forward to storms that blow through and clear out the gunk from our valleys.  In between times, weather forecasters tell us whether it's a green, yellow, or red air quality day, and we adapt accordingly.

I've decided that since I feel somewhat confined in my home due to the bad air, I'm going to make the most of it.  This is a good opportunity to focus internally -- on both myself and my home.  I am lucky to work from home most of the time, so even that plays into my plan.  I am wrapping myself up, so to speak, inside my home, giving me a chance for some personal introspection, renewal, and preparation before setting off on new paths and pursuits in the coming months and year.

I will live inside a chrysalis of my own making and begin to do the work that later will bring about subtle or possibly even startling changes.  For several decades I defined myself as part of a couple.  Now I am finding out who the individual is that I am.  Wrapped up and somewhat secluded from the outside, I hope to grow further into a person who is all me -- carrying all of the influences of the past not as baggage, but as formative experience and wisdom -- and transforming myself to step into the next phase of my development.

In a few weeks, we'll probably have our typical return to winter after this bit of thaw we are enjoying.  There will yet be snow and freezing, though the temperatures will begin to rise gradually.  If you're a gardener, you know the rule of thumb in Utah is not to plant until after Mother's Day when we can usually count on no more temperatures below the freezing mark.  Winter lasts a long time here. 

Oh, but I won't wait for Mother's Day to emerge from my cocoon.  I'll begin unwrapping the layers gradually as spring approaches.  As I feel ready.  I will emerge from this period of transition, conscious of everything around me and my juxtaposition to those things.  I have an unexpected and profound feeling of freedom and renewal this year.  I'm eager to plunge into a warmer, sunnier world.

I don't know entirely what to expect when the new me emerges from my secluded period.  For now I'm focusing on the internal -- discovering, growing, preparing.  When I do emerge, I'll breathe deeply of the good clear air, I'll stretch out my limbs in celebration of my freedom, and I'll venture into the beautiful and welcoming spring.

And then, we shall see . . .

Not going to sweat the small stuff

My daughter and I were talking the other day about how easy it is to get carried away with worrying about things big and small and what a waste it often is when you look back at the problem.  Almost all the time, the issue gets resolved and you move on and the worrying did nothing but take off precious minutes of your life.

As trite as it sounds, I think my one real resolution this year is to not sweat the small stuff.  And as my daughter points out (more triteness coming), it really is almost all small stuff.

I had a great boss once (then a lawyer, now a judge), who really embodied this practice.  When something would go wrong, he'd let off with a string of epithets that would wither a sensitive soul.  And then he was done with agonizing and was on to the practical problem-solving.

I have tried to adopt some of this approach in my own life - to get past any worry, frustration, anger, and other negative emotions that tend more to debilitate than to help any situation.  I've been relatively successful with getting on with the problem-solving phase quickly, and I am good at letting go of anger to the point that I honestly rarely even feel anger anymore.  But it has been hard to let go of the worrying.

This is something I really want to focus on this year.  And as a born worrier, this will be a real challenge.

Inventory

The year comes to an end, and that always marks a time of new beginning for us as well as review of events of the past year.  It has been a year of minimal blogging for me.  I've had little interest in opining on politics or current events, and have been more focused inward in my life.

January brought the completion of my kitchen remodel which started the year off right.  It has been a year of parties and entertaining and sheer enjoyment as a result.

February my daughter surprised us all with a secret marriage.  It was a wonderful thing as her husband, my son-in-law, is such a fine person and they are both so suited to each other.  I have been most happy with this event.

The wedding prompted plans for a party in June, which led to my locating a landscaper.  Improving my outside areas became the theme of spring, summer and fall.  I've posted many pictures of the process and, again, could not be more happy about the outcomes.  For the first time in the 31 years I've lived here, the entire yard is finished and beautiful - and just the way I want it.

Mid-summer brought the wonderful event of the Paul McCartney concert, attended by my sisters and me and several of my dearest friends.  It was thrilling and unforgettable.

The first part of the year found me still weepy about the death of my ex-husband. I began to feel weary of teariness and determined to try to bring about a change.  I set a deadline on the anniversary of his death in July, promising myself no more tears and no regrets.  It became my theme for the rest of the year.  I found simply making that decision and setting a deadline and observing it worked for me.  And though the memories still arise, I no longer find myself on the verge of tears when they do.

My emotional strength was further challenged when J and I said goodbye in May as he moved to Minnesota.  We had been together for two and a half years - I was only separated but not divorced when we met.  He was a touchstone for me through the separation, the legal hassles, the many ensuing events.  He was an escape when I needed it.  He was someone intelligent and informed to talk with, someone witty to laugh with, someone warm and kind to be with.  Neither of us anticipated how hard it would be to say goodbye.  Even now we stay in touch by phone and email, and I feel I have a friend for life.  I extended my no-tears-no-regrets theme to J, and we both agreed that was the way it had to be.  The distance between us would be impossible to overcome and we both needed to find new companions.  We haven't yet, but we will.  But long phone conversations, talking and laughing, continue to help bridge that gap.

In the last half of the year I began thinking seriously about the time when I would retire from work.  After a talk with my boss, it was decided it was time to bring on another writer for our staff.  We have begun the interviewing process and my hope is to find someone who will fully replace me and I can leave when I'm ready.  That will be in about two years.

I turned 63 this week.  It feels absolutely no different from 62.  However, physically I've failed to take care of myself this year and have gained back some of the weight I lost.  After the loss of my ex-husband, I stopped walking daily and stopped watching what I ate.  The pounds crept back almost imperceptibly.  I did take up bicycling, but that wasn't a daily activity and was not enough.  I know I have to return to my walking routine.  When J left, I did worse for awhile, but turned things around in November.  I am back on the right track now, heading in the right direction and hope to continue that into the new year.

I do have some goals for the new year.  Continuing to get into better shape.  More improvements around the house.  More music - both piano and guitar, and perhaps lessons.  More bicycling.  Keep up the landscaping.  More birdwatching and photography.  In other words, just keeping on keeping on.

In summing it all up, the year definitely ends in the positive column for me.  I feel happy, contented, and strong.  I know there will be tough things to deal with in the new year.  But that's life.  I'm feeling prepared for what is to come next.

And once again, the tree is up, we can have a little Christmas

I didn't know if I had time to get it up this year, but so glad I did.  No sooner was I finished, than the grandsons showed up and had to inspect every little item hanging on the boughs.  It was worth the work just to hear their delightful comments.

 

Eagles: Please Come Home for Christmas

I promise to stop missing my special friend any day now.