Internal Bruising

 

 I almost took a serious fall a couple of weeks ago--three different times, three days in a row. All different circumstances and all ending almost okay, except in the one where I hit my shoulder against the kitchen counter as I broke my fall. It left a bruise which the nurse noticed who gave me my Covid booster. I'm hurrying and not being in the moment. I have a lot on my plate right now, and I'm just no good at multi-tasking any longer. I need to slow down and stay aware of my surroundings and what I'm doing.

There's been a lot of pain in my life of late, both literal and metaphorical. And corresponding bruising--a painful spot that takes awhile to heal and feel better.

In the area of literal pain, the arthritis is slowly getting worse. Some days are better than others. On a good day, I wake up, and with a little stretching, my body accepts movement without too much complaint. On a bad day, I can end up practically crippled and must curtail activities. Cold stormy days don't help. I can live with it. I take over-the-counter meds on a rare but as-needed basis, well aware of potential side effects from over use. But I have to accept that pain is part of my daily routine now.

Physical pain is exacerbated by physical overexertion, and I've been doing too much of that lately. Like many of the necessary tasks following my mother's death in July, it has fallen to me to organize the clearing out of her home. That process has necessitated my presence and work in the home many days over the past month now. Some days have been fine, but some days have left me in almost intolerable pain. And the hour drive each way is harder on those bad days. But the work has progressed and we are getting through the house.

Mom was something of a hoarder. Not in the horrible sense like those television shows, but definitely with that mindset. She bought stuff or saved stuff just because she thought she might need it sometime in the future. She bought many dozens of craft projects and supplies to do in her retirement, but the majority of those items remained unopened or incomplete. She had lots of interests but I can see now how she would lose interest and drop something entirely for the next thing she wanted to try. She was somewhat tidy about her hoarding, with most everything in large bins, crates, chests in the basement. But taken all at once, it has been a staggering amount of stuff--all donated or thrown out as there was little there that anyone wanted. 

Last week, I brought home a large bin packed full of knitting yarn. I'm a knitter and yarn is expensive. So I thought maybe I could use some of that. But I no sooner got it home than the horrible thought occurred to me that this was exactly how hoarders think -- put this thing away and I might use it "some day." I'm usually one to buy for a specific project and not stock up on things like yarn. Now, I need to rethink this and maybe donate all or most of that yarn. I swear my children will not have to haul such items out of my house when I die.

Upstairs in the house was different from the basement: the items of greater value were upstairs and it required special handling to make sure all eight siblings got a chance to say what they hoped to get and to make it all happen. My co-executor brother said he did not want a free-for-all of family members going through the house and just taking stuff. He wanted to see something more controlled and methodical. So, I devised a process that ended up being fairly simple and has seen us through almost the entire house now.

I began by setting up a folder on Google Drive and giving everyone full edit rights to the folder. Then we tackled one room at a time, going through every drawer, closet, and shelf, and making a decision for each item: Trash? toss it. Something a sibling might want? Take a photo and place it back close to where it was so it will be easy to find again. Something no family member will want? Donation pile. At the end of the work day, I created a sub-folder on Google Drive with the date and the room in the title, and then everyone uploaded all their photos for that day. In the evening, I emailed everyone with a link to the folder and gave them a 4-day deadline to let us know what they wanted. Anything not claimed by that time would be sent for donation or sold, if applicable. My brother and his kids periodically removed the donation items and trash. Siblings came by and picked up their items. Every work day had its own folder of pictures. Sometimes the deadlines slipped, but overall, we forced people to make timely decisions so we could keep moving forward.

The thing that worked so well was the simplicity of the process. Those working knew exactly how to proceed in any room, and everyone got an equal chance to see all the things we found and to ask for things they wanted. We have encountered very few duplicate requests and those were, so far, easily settled to everyone's satisfaction. Most rooms required more than one day and we have worked two or three days a week, with all siblings volunteering to help on different days. After running this system for about three weeks, I called on my other co-executor sister to take over managing room clearing for a week so I could have a break. She did great with it and now we are alternating and working towards wrapping things up very soon.

Things of greater value were handled apart from the room clearing. We made a list of antique furniture, items with special significance, and other things of greater value, and then asked every sibling to look at the list and tell us their first and second choice among these items. That process did involve a lot of corresponding and some negotiating, but everyone has been really fair and cooperative, and happy with the items they received in the end. Honestly, you find some people who just want everything, and some who want very little. I told everyone right from the start, the process of disposing of mom and dad's possessions would not be equal and don't expect it to be. I did set up a spreadsheet to keep track of each person's requests, but we did not track values. The purpose of the spreadsheet was merely to allow people to see if items were already requested and to set them aside in the designated area of the house. There will be equity when we distribute the cash from the estate, but I can't deal with trying to find a way to make the personal property equal. Honestly, no one has complained.

The process has moved along somewhat slowly, but showing progress every week. But it hasn't been painless. Objects in the family home trigger memories, good and bad. A lot of reminiscing takes place as we work. And we stumbled across many things we thought were long gone. I was lucky enough to get my grandfather's onyx ring. He was such a special person who died when I was only ten. His influence on me is a whole story in itself. His ring is probably not of great intrinsic value, but it meant a lot that I could have it. Another sister requested one of grandpa's old cameras (he was a photography buff) because he died before she was born and she wanted something he valued to feel a connection with him. Everyone had such experiences finding treasures big and small as we sorted through thousands of items.

In many ways, this process has not involved grieving for only our parents along the way, but also for our grandparents, too, as many of their possessions were discovered. Just last Saturday, we found a box containing Grandma C's collection of demitasse cups and saucers from Great Britain and Ireland. We sisters all remember how special those were to her and we were allowed to admire but not touch. I remember those on the special shelves in her kitchen when I was very little back in the 1950s. Aunt Elsie had a similar set and those were prized possessions. As a child, I greatly coveted those precious cups and saucers. Now, I own two of them.

We are getting close to finished now. I was supposed to work on mom's office with one sister yesterday, but a small water disaster in my home forced me to cancel. Mom's office is daunting. So much paper, so many difficult decisions. But my sister is taking charge this week and I will try to get up there on Friday to help with that big task. Our hope is that we will finally make it through the last remaining areas of the house by the end of this week. Then we will give people one more week to request items and will even hold an open house the end of that week, so everyone can come and walk through the house one more time and take home any remaining items they'd like and say goodbye to the house. Once that is over, all items go for donation and we can begin cleaning and prepping to sell the house.

EXCEPT! Except for pictures, slides, movie reels, and numerous documents of interest or importance. All of these items are being set aside for work after the house is finished. Those of us with scanners at home will take home boxes of pictures or documents which we will scan and upload to the shared folder. Then it will be up to individuals to look through the photos and download what they want. This is a massive undertaking but possibly some of the grandkids will be able to help as well. With a big family, we'll try to distribute the work so no one person is too overwhelmed with it. This process could take months. But the items will be out of the house and will not be in the way of those prepping it for sale.

This entire era of time has been stressful to me. I've taken on so much responsibility. I'm always worried I've forgotten something, or someone is being left out or someone is being greedy, or some certain thing should rightfully go to a certain person. As the designated communication point, I've spend countless hours on emails, texts, phone calls. Sometimes I'll spend an entire day going back and forth with individuals. I wanted every person to feel heard and to respond to them with kindness and consideration. Even prior to the house clearing, I was coordinating a couple of legal documents that needed to be sent out, signed, and returned by everyone. And nothing is a simple as it should be. The worry causes me to lose sleep. I often wake after sleeping only four hours, and I begin going over things in my mind to organize for the coming day. Next thing you know, the alarm is going off and I haven't slept enough. Very few nights since mid-July have I had a full night's sleep.

All while I've been doing these things, I've tried to get back to projects in my own house and have actually managed to complete a few things on the list. And a week ago I hosted a dinner for my own children and grandchildren -- the first big dinner in over two years. It was a lot of fun. I didn't cook but ordered meals from three different restaurants so everyone could have what they wanted, and I forgot one son's dinner. But he quickly ordered and picked up something, and we had a long enjoyable evening all together. I told the kids this might be our holiday celebration because if the opportunity arises, I will try to sell my house soon and may not be settled for awhile. But I have left the table set up with all the extra leaves in it and with the extra chairs around. Somehow, it gives me a happy feeling to just look at that set up.

It doesn't help that I had this water disaster in the house just now. The clothes washer drain overflowed and some small areas of carpet in the basement got wet. But the insurance company sent out a cleanup guy and got some fans on those areas right away, and they already feel dry to the touch today. But I need to get a plumber in to clear the drain. I need other guys to repair a few baseboards, clean and retack the carpets. It will be time consuming and lots of phone calls. I know how it goes. It's a setback and takes time away from my other projects. But it is what it is. If I don't sell my house this fall, I'll be disappointed. But it's not the end of the world.

It all takes a toll. And ultimately I find myself distracted, tired, nearly falling, eating poorly, forgetting things, and neglecting to take care of myself. Sometimes the physical pain is very real. And sometimes the internal pain is equally difficult. I feel a bit internally bruised and battered and looking forward to being done with all my duties as executor.

With time and rest, all things heal -- if I can just manage to survive.