Transitioning

 It's been a long old slog getting to where I am today. I've been bogged down by so many things: pandemic, mom's illness and death, clearing mom's house, downsizing everything in my own house and a long list of to-dos. I have serious mood swings and bouts of motivation and lack of. I set goals I can't achieve, and feel like a failure. I look at houses for sale online and feel utterly discouraged by the crazy prices. (It turns out my county is one of the top 14 in the country where housing has become unaffordable!) I am repeatedly let down by people I hire or who I otherwise depend on. I often feel depressed. Some days, I sit on the couch and only get up to feed Frankie or let him out.

But I feel lately that something is changing. Maybe it's spring and improving weather. Maybe it's because I've had a couple of breakthoughs that feel like real progress. Maybe it's my mind finally settling into a transition from what was to what can be.

Changes in my community are huge and stark and not necessarily nice. Where previously existed houses and empty lots are now rows of condos and apartments. My favorite Mexican restaurant is gone, giving way to development. My favorite Chinese takeout has closed with the owner's retirement. Even natural events have changed the landscape: trees blown down in a storm or dying of old age leaving big gaps that makes my heart sad. My former thoughtful neighbors have moved away and I'm left with people who don't care about upkeep on their yards or houses and who let their dogs run loose and bark constantly. I know every neighborhood has its problems, but I'm surrounded by a new ugly.

So much change. My daughter commented the other day that she had wondered if she would miss our house when I sell it. But then she said that the house has so changed from when she lived here, that almost nothing is the same anyway. And it's true. The stone fireplace is the same but nearly every inch of the house and yard have otherwise changed over the past 10 years or so. But for me, there's still the nostalgia of the view of Antelope Island and scenes west from my perch on the hill. And watching the changing sunset sky over Mount Ben Lomond to the north as I sit in my TV room. And simply the peace of my patio, watching birds and enjoying a cool place. 

But my mind is changing about those things now, too. You can see Ben Lomond from many places throughout the valley. Antelope Island, too. My next house will have different views, but the important thing is that I can make it another place of peace and enjoyment. I think forward to that time now with more anticipation than ever. And it makes me feel excited that I will be so close to my kids and grandkids.

I made a list of all the things I still need/want to do in my house; 80 things! Well, large and small things including washing all the walls in the house. There are things on the list others tell me I just don't need to do. But it's a matter of pride for me. I want to turn my house over to its new owners ready to live in. I have been overwhelmed by the size of the list and it has caused some failure on my part to get anything at all done. But I'm resolved now to do just ONE thing. And when that's done, do another ONE thing. And stop thinking about the big picture, the whole list.

April has been a success as far as downsizing personal items in closets and drawers. I suddenly became bold about giving away clothing and personal items. My daughter gave me a good tip: pick out the things you want to keep. Then get rid of everything else. It was a good approach and was pretty fast going as well. I'm embarrassed to say I found some items in the closet with new tags on them still--never worn. But either too small or no longer something I like. That money is already spent and I gain nothing by holding onto the items. So out they go. It was liberating to be so bold. I have reduced my clothing alone by nearly half.

It's a problem for me that I often have a lot of real physical pain and it holds me back. But I have to live with that and do what I can. Some days I have to do small tasks with no stair climbing. Other days I feel strong and nearly pain-free and can handle many trips up and down. But those stairs are a daily reminder of why I need to move soon.

 I'm not sad about the big changes I've made so far -- selling the piano and desk and getting rid of so much stuff. Transitioning to life without those things has really been quite easy. And that's proof, if I needed any, that it doesn't matter how much or what items I keep or get rid of, I am fine with all of it. 

Every week there are one or two houses without stairs listed for sale in the neighborhood where my sons live -- my target location. I have to be sure I'm not being too picky and understand that I have to compromise on some wish items. But the two this past week were both very close to the freeway. I want something a little further east than those so I can enjoy being outside. The two last week were possibilities but really represented the highest end and lowest end of the possibilities in those homes. One was really too small and a bit run down. The other was lovely in every respect with a fireplace and high end finishes, but also very high priced -- almost the same as my larger house would sell for. I want something in between those options. I do have a wish list, but I'm willing to compromise. And I'm not averse to doing some changes once I move in. I consider each house that comes up, and imagine how it would be living there. Truly trying to make a mental transition from here to there. I can't change the location or size of the house, and those are basic to my wants. But otherwise, I'm keeping all options open.

Change is hard. And I think it's particularly hard when we're old and set in our ways and used to things the way they've been for a long time. But it's really important for me to embrace change right now in order to make a comfortable, livable life for the remaining years I have.

Another much loved item leaves the house

Sold my pretty Queen Anne style desk today. It was part of my home office for all those years I worked from home. But lately, my office has been unused and become a catch-all room. The furniture was just gathering dust. I know I need to have less furniture when I move, so the time had come to sell this lovely desk. I really have loved it and enjoyed it. But now I will just enjoy the memories.

It turned out to be a more popular item that I had expected, and I ended up with a waiting list of people who wanted to buy it. The young woman who did buy it was thrilled with it as she was just setting up an office for her young business. It always feels good when your beloved possessions are passed along to someone who will appreciate them as much as you do.

The End of an Era

The piano movers came today. In 30 minutes they had it all packed up, in the truck and on its way. I am sitting here still feeling a little stunned and sad. I had tried to prepare myself mentally, but it's a loss and I'm feeling it. Damn, it's harder than I thought it would be.

I had them take it out through the French doors in the dining room to avoid those difficult stairs. I did a lot of prep work to make the move easy for the guys. I moved all the dining room furniture out, moved all the living room furniture to the fireplace side, outside I trimmed some trees that were obstructing the path, and I shoveled some snow and put down ice melt. My son helped me move stepping stones on the slope at the side of the house where my landscaper had put them. They would only trip up the movers. In fact, they were frozen into the mulch, so by moving them, the resulting large divots made good footholds.

This move marks the end of an era for me. Once my house was filled with people, and noise, and music, and life. Now, it's just me and I can't fill it up. Yesterday, someone I was watching on TV said something to this effect, "The end of something is just the beginning of something else." Many ways of saying that, and it sounds a little trite. But today, it does feel like a turning point--a moment in time of no going back now.

It is time to find a new place to live and turn this house over to a new family who will fill up all its corners and bring life to it again.

Bye bye my lovely grand piano

 

Selling stuff is hard work and a lot of getting hopes up only to be disappointed. But after close to seven weeks, a couple of failed deals, a handful of lowball offers, a dealer who wanted me to consign it, and even some hoaxsters who get their kicks setting up appointments with no intention of showing up--after all that, a serious buyer came, played it, examined it, and put down cash.

It was actually the buyer's parents who bought it. The buyer lives in Oklahoma and apparently has several kids who play very well. It pleases me my lovely piano will be going to a family home where it will be used and loved. But it's a bittersweet pleasure. It's also sad to see my beautiful piano I've owned for over two decades leaving my home. I'm having chills and goosebumps in the wake of accepting the offer.

But the pragmatic side of me realizes this is an important step in being able to sell my house and move on. I am so focused on making that happen now. It will take a little while for them to make the arrangements to move the piano. But the process is in motion now. And I've accepted it mentally and emotionally, and have made a deal with myself that I have my memories and that will have to do for me now.

2022 Resolution

 I am resolved to get my house sold in 2022. I have just a few little things remaining on my formerly-long list of things to do. Houses are still selling fast in my town. My friend with a similar house to mine sold her house after listing only three days. The smaller houses I'm looking to downsize to are selling in a week or less. Prices on both areas seem to have settled down now and I have a pretty good idea what I'm looking at price-wise. I expect to put a sizeable sum into savings between selling and downsizing. But that depends on the house I end up buying. Some of those one-story houses have extra nice layouts, finishes, and larger garages. I will pay more if one of those houses become available. But I will end up with no mortgage and still with a good savings. I plan to go to the credit union this week or next (weather permitting) and see about getting a home equity line of credit on my present home so I can offer cash when the house I want comes on the market.

My piano is up for sale and that will be an additional sum in the bank. I am ready to let this beautiful instrument go to a new home. It feel somewhat overwhelmed and burdened by it now that I'm serious about moving. While it is a little sad to see it go, I do have my other Yamaha electronic keyboard which is much smaller and so much fun to play. If I don't sell the grand piano before I buy a house, I'll squeeze it into the new place and continue to try to sell it. I've had a lot of interest but no takers yet. I did get one very low-ball offer which I turned down.

I'm making no other resolutions for 2022. If I manage to achieve this one, it will make all the difference for me. No stairs and a flat, walkable neighborhood with a good grocery store and hardware store in walking distance, too. And near two of my sons and families. I will be ready for the next phase of my ever aging self.

Stuff. Not everything is a treasure.

 Saturday, driving home from Ogden, I happened to look down at the gas gauge and was shocked to see I was riding nearly on empty. I always fill up at half a tank. Well, apparently not always. Everything associated with clearing our family house and handling estate business has distracted me from my usual routines. Plus, my downstairs is still in chaos awaiting the restoration guys to come install new baseboards and door frames. My brain is overflowing and not keeping me on top of things like it should.  Oh, I made it home and got the tank filled.

I had brought a few items home with me from the house that day: a small arm chair, an electronic photo display, a yardstick from Roskelley's dress shop in Logan where my grandmother had worked in the 50s--not much this time. I added some of this to the pile of stuff already accumulating from the house: an ocean painting, a cabinet for vinyl records, a big bin of yarn I will be giving away, and a large stack of slides with two projectors and a portable screen for my part of the big scanning project, along with various other odds and ends that I now wonder why I even brought home.

I looked around at the accumulation of items from the house along with stuff I had removed from the guest room closet. It all just looks like clutter. It mostly is clutter. In fact, I will be taking almost everything from that closet and some other stuff to drop off for charity this week. Those things have been stored in there for years and never once been needed or wanted.

If this clearing out process has taught me anything, it's the very temporary joy we get out of stuff we accumulate. You could see it in the patterns of mom's accumulation. She literally left off in the middle of making an item and moved on to her next interest. Meanwhile, stacks of supplies related to the unfinished project remained, boxed up for decades, waiting for us to sort through after her death.

Each of my siblings had a different approach to the things they wanted from the house. Several of us (me included) wanted only a few items with memories attached. Some wanted a lot more. Two siblings really loaded up items, both furniture and minutiae. One brother just couldn't bear to allow anything to go to charity. After everyone had taken what they wanted from each room, he would go back and box up as much as he could and haul it to his house.

Thus the items in the house were distributed.  As I told my siblings, this would not be an equal process. I wasn't about to limit everyone by the small number of items taken by a few. Nor would I force anyone to take more items just because some of the siblings were taking more. All of the stuff needed to go. Everyone got to have mostly what they wanted.

There were a couple of blips along the way. Surprising there weren't more, considering the number of siblings involved. But as it turned out, almost everyone was considerate and generous with give and take of items throughout the process. The one exception was the sister who showed up the least to help but who had the most complaints. On the last day of clearing out, she created a big brouhaha over a comic book, attacking people's integrity and fairness. But, as it turned out, all she needed to do was ask for a comic book, and she got it. There was no need for insults.

The same sister raised an issue over wanting a mirror that had hung in the living room. That mirror had been a wedding gift from grandma to our parents. We had all used it all our growing up years for things like checking hair and makeup before dates. In my Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass years, I used to stare into that backwards room as did Alice, and imagine myself climbing through and having adventures in that backward world. The mirror was up for grabs on Sept 23, our first day of clearing. One brother requested it. But later he decided not to take it. Another sister wanted it, but we forgot to tag it with her name, and a few weeks later, as we had arranged for all untagged items in that room, it was removed by our niece and taken to a charity shop. Nobody noticed it was gone.

Until the very last day of clearing, that is, almost two months later, when the difficult sister decided to ask for it, long after the deadline for requesting items from that room had passed. With a little detective work, we managed to find out that it was long gone. One sister (the one who had given up a comic book), went to the charity shop, but the mirror was no longer there. One brother even offered to post a picture and a reward at the shop in hopes of recovering it.

Wait a minute, everyone! The mirror is gone. It is not of great value. And in fact, it had a pretty ugly frame with a bow oddly positioned almost floating above the frame like a star on a Christmas tree. I took the opportunity to suggest we all just let go of the mirror. It's gone. And it's not the only thing. There are a lot of things from the house we will never see again. Our memories of those items will have to serve in place of owning the actual items. Not everything is a treasure. Not everything needs to be carried on in the family.

And the truth is, we all needed to be reminded that letting go of stuff is not only good, but necessary right now. You can't hold onto everything. For one thing, most of the stuff has little or no value. But also, in our own homes, if there's not a good place or a good use for it, it becomes part of the clutter that eventually our own children will have to clear away. And our children will not share those sentiments we held for things like that mirror. It will just be stuff to them. And then, the stuff will be tossed.

I've begun looking at my own home, my own stuff, with fresh eyes. I am seeing the crazy things I've held onto for no good reason for many years. I can see the things I could easy part with right now and never miss for a moment. For example, pillow cases. Over the years, when sheets wear out, the pillow cases seem to still be in great condition. So I keep them. And now I have a completely ridiculous collection of pillow cases I will never use. And I know I will never use them, because every time I buy new sheets, I get new pillow cases to match. Those extra pillow cases are leaving the house this week along with a pile of stuff from that downstairs closet.

And that's just one example.

As I think about the siblings that loaded up boxes and boxes of items, I wonder how much of that stuff will ever make it into display or use. Will they be glad to have it in the long run? Are those things treasures to them? Or will they mostly become worthless clutter after all?

For me, I'm glad I took the approach I did. I have a few small, special things and a couple of practical things that will move right into regular use in my house. Just enough stuff. And I have learned a valuable lesson in letting go of stuff. It's all stuff in the end. Mom didn't take her stuff with her and neither will I.

Internal Bruising

 

 I almost took a serious fall a couple of weeks ago--three different times, three days in a row. All different circumstances and all ending almost okay, except in the one where I hit my shoulder against the kitchen counter as I broke my fall. It left a bruise which the nurse noticed who gave me my Covid booster. I'm hurrying and not being in the moment. I have a lot on my plate right now, and I'm just no good at multi-tasking any longer. I need to slow down and stay aware of my surroundings and what I'm doing.

There's been a lot of pain in my life of late, both literal and metaphorical. And corresponding bruising--a painful spot that takes awhile to heal and feel better.

In the area of literal pain, the arthritis is slowly getting worse. Some days are better than others. On a good day, I wake up, and with a little stretching, my body accepts movement without too much complaint. On a bad day, I can end up practically crippled and must curtail activities. Cold stormy days don't help. I can live with it. I take over-the-counter meds on a rare but as-needed basis, well aware of potential side effects from over use. But I have to accept that pain is part of my daily routine now.

Physical pain is exacerbated by physical overexertion, and I've been doing too much of that lately. Like many of the necessary tasks following my mother's death in July, it has fallen to me to organize the clearing out of her home. That process has necessitated my presence and work in the home many days over the past month now. Some days have been fine, but some days have left me in almost intolerable pain. And the hour drive each way is harder on those bad days. But the work has progressed and we are getting through the house.

Mom was something of a hoarder. Not in the horrible sense like those television shows, but definitely with that mindset. She bought stuff or saved stuff just because she thought she might need it sometime in the future. She bought many dozens of craft projects and supplies to do in her retirement, but the majority of those items remained unopened or incomplete. She had lots of interests but I can see now how she would lose interest and drop something entirely for the next thing she wanted to try. She was somewhat tidy about her hoarding, with most everything in large bins, crates, chests in the basement. But taken all at once, it has been a staggering amount of stuff--all donated or thrown out as there was little there that anyone wanted. 

Last week, I brought home a large bin packed full of knitting yarn. I'm a knitter and yarn is expensive. So I thought maybe I could use some of that. But I no sooner got it home than the horrible thought occurred to me that this was exactly how hoarders think -- put this thing away and I might use it "some day." I'm usually one to buy for a specific project and not stock up on things like yarn. Now, I need to rethink this and maybe donate all or most of that yarn. I swear my children will not have to haul such items out of my house when I die.

Upstairs in the house was different from the basement: the items of greater value were upstairs and it required special handling to make sure all eight siblings got a chance to say what they hoped to get and to make it all happen. My co-executor brother said he did not want a free-for-all of family members going through the house and just taking stuff. He wanted to see something more controlled and methodical. So, I devised a process that ended up being fairly simple and has seen us through almost the entire house now.

I began by setting up a folder on Google Drive and giving everyone full edit rights to the folder. Then we tackled one room at a time, going through every drawer, closet, and shelf, and making a decision for each item: Trash? toss it. Something a sibling might want? Take a photo and place it back close to where it was so it will be easy to find again. Something no family member will want? Donation pile. At the end of the work day, I created a sub-folder on Google Drive with the date and the room in the title, and then everyone uploaded all their photos for that day. In the evening, I emailed everyone with a link to the folder and gave them a 4-day deadline to let us know what they wanted. Anything not claimed by that time would be sent for donation or sold, if applicable. My brother and his kids periodically removed the donation items and trash. Siblings came by and picked up their items. Every work day had its own folder of pictures. Sometimes the deadlines slipped, but overall, we forced people to make timely decisions so we could keep moving forward.

The thing that worked so well was the simplicity of the process. Those working knew exactly how to proceed in any room, and everyone got an equal chance to see all the things we found and to ask for things they wanted. We have encountered very few duplicate requests and those were, so far, easily settled to everyone's satisfaction. Most rooms required more than one day and we have worked two or three days a week, with all siblings volunteering to help on different days. After running this system for about three weeks, I called on my other co-executor sister to take over managing room clearing for a week so I could have a break. She did great with it and now we are alternating and working towards wrapping things up very soon.

Things of greater value were handled apart from the room clearing. We made a list of antique furniture, items with special significance, and other things of greater value, and then asked every sibling to look at the list and tell us their first and second choice among these items. That process did involve a lot of corresponding and some negotiating, but everyone has been really fair and cooperative, and happy with the items they received in the end. Honestly, you find some people who just want everything, and some who want very little. I told everyone right from the start, the process of disposing of mom and dad's possessions would not be equal and don't expect it to be. I did set up a spreadsheet to keep track of each person's requests, but we did not track values. The purpose of the spreadsheet was merely to allow people to see if items were already requested and to set them aside in the designated area of the house. There will be equity when we distribute the cash from the estate, but I can't deal with trying to find a way to make the personal property equal. Honestly, no one has complained.

The process has moved along somewhat slowly, but showing progress every week. But it hasn't been painless. Objects in the family home trigger memories, good and bad. A lot of reminiscing takes place as we work. And we stumbled across many things we thought were long gone. I was lucky enough to get my grandfather's onyx ring. He was such a special person who died when I was only ten. His influence on me is a whole story in itself. His ring is probably not of great intrinsic value, but it meant a lot that I could have it. Another sister requested one of grandpa's old cameras (he was a photography buff) because he died before she was born and she wanted something he valued to feel a connection with him. Everyone had such experiences finding treasures big and small as we sorted through thousands of items.

In many ways, this process has not involved grieving for only our parents along the way, but also for our grandparents, too, as many of their possessions were discovered. Just last Saturday, we found a box containing Grandma C's collection of demitasse cups and saucers from Great Britain and Ireland. We sisters all remember how special those were to her and we were allowed to admire but not touch. I remember those on the special shelves in her kitchen when I was very little back in the 1950s. Aunt Elsie had a similar set and those were prized possessions. As a child, I greatly coveted those precious cups and saucers. Now, I own two of them.

We are getting close to finished now. I was supposed to work on mom's office with one sister yesterday, but a small water disaster in my home forced me to cancel. Mom's office is daunting. So much paper, so many difficult decisions. But my sister is taking charge this week and I will try to get up there on Friday to help with that big task. Our hope is that we will finally make it through the last remaining areas of the house by the end of this week. Then we will give people one more week to request items and will even hold an open house the end of that week, so everyone can come and walk through the house one more time and take home any remaining items they'd like and say goodbye to the house. Once that is over, all items go for donation and we can begin cleaning and prepping to sell the house.

EXCEPT! Except for pictures, slides, movie reels, and numerous documents of interest or importance. All of these items are being set aside for work after the house is finished. Those of us with scanners at home will take home boxes of pictures or documents which we will scan and upload to the shared folder. Then it will be up to individuals to look through the photos and download what they want. This is a massive undertaking but possibly some of the grandkids will be able to help as well. With a big family, we'll try to distribute the work so no one person is too overwhelmed with it. This process could take months. But the items will be out of the house and will not be in the way of those prepping it for sale.

This entire era of time has been stressful to me. I've taken on so much responsibility. I'm always worried I've forgotten something, or someone is being left out or someone is being greedy, or some certain thing should rightfully go to a certain person. As the designated communication point, I've spend countless hours on emails, texts, phone calls. Sometimes I'll spend an entire day going back and forth with individuals. I wanted every person to feel heard and to respond to them with kindness and consideration. Even prior to the house clearing, I was coordinating a couple of legal documents that needed to be sent out, signed, and returned by everyone. And nothing is a simple as it should be. The worry causes me to lose sleep. I often wake after sleeping only four hours, and I begin going over things in my mind to organize for the coming day. Next thing you know, the alarm is going off and I haven't slept enough. Very few nights since mid-July have I had a full night's sleep.

All while I've been doing these things, I've tried to get back to projects in my own house and have actually managed to complete a few things on the list. And a week ago I hosted a dinner for my own children and grandchildren -- the first big dinner in over two years. It was a lot of fun. I didn't cook but ordered meals from three different restaurants so everyone could have what they wanted, and I forgot one son's dinner. But he quickly ordered and picked up something, and we had a long enjoyable evening all together. I told the kids this might be our holiday celebration because if the opportunity arises, I will try to sell my house soon and may not be settled for awhile. But I have left the table set up with all the extra leaves in it and with the extra chairs around. Somehow, it gives me a happy feeling to just look at that set up.

It doesn't help that I had this water disaster in the house just now. The clothes washer drain overflowed and some small areas of carpet in the basement got wet. But the insurance company sent out a cleanup guy and got some fans on those areas right away, and they already feel dry to the touch today. But I need to get a plumber in to clear the drain. I need other guys to repair a few baseboards, clean and retack the carpets. It will be time consuming and lots of phone calls. I know how it goes. It's a setback and takes time away from my other projects. But it is what it is. If I don't sell my house this fall, I'll be disappointed. But it's not the end of the world.

It all takes a toll. And ultimately I find myself distracted, tired, nearly falling, eating poorly, forgetting things, and neglecting to take care of myself. Sometimes the physical pain is very real. And sometimes the internal pain is equally difficult. I feel a bit internally bruised and battered and looking forward to being done with all my duties as executor.

With time and rest, all things heal -- if I can just manage to survive.

A Passage

 Mom died July 16, 2021. There would be no chance to grieve for days to come.

 

https://www.myers-mortuary.com/obituary/Barbara-Griffin

Each ensuing day felt like a year as we went through the rigors and chaos of planning and carrying out the funeral and burial. Now, just 11 days later, it seems impossible that was all nearly two weeks ago. There were some real challenges with just organizing the program for the funeral -- the logistics of working with 7 other siblings and large families all around. Further complicated when we had everything nearly set and we learned we had to move the funeral up a day or delay till the next week due to a state holiday that was celebrated on Friday (we opted to move up a day), and everything had to be reconfirmed or changed. We somehow did it. And by somehow, I mean by sitting at the computer, on text, on email, on phones (both mobile and landline) for 16 hours a day for several days running. On Sunday, I never even got dressed.

My sister and I met initially with the mortuary where mom had made arrangements for her casket, funeral, and burial, but had not given us any clues as to who should do what at the funeral itself. I ordered the flowers, wrote the obituary, and pulled together and arranged photos for the online slide show which was also shown at the mortuary during visitation. I worked out the program with some help from siblings. That part was challenging, with people unsure if they could be in town, and many wanting to be pallbearers but few wanting to speak. In the end, we had a really nice mix of speakers, musical numbers, prayers. The sister who was helping with the program was also working full-time and ended up needing my help to follow up on items while she was at work, including making arrangements with a bagpiper for songs we wanted and what time to be at the cemetery. I also coordinated with our officiator who was from mom's local Mormon ward but also happened to be an old high school friend of mine, going over what we needed him to do in conducting the funeral and the topic of his remarks.

It sounds like I did it all. I did a lot. But each of my siblings were making their own contacts with their family members and coordinating back with me, and I was the primary contact for the mortuary. So I didn't do it alone--everyone had a part. My older sister headed up notifying extended family. My brother's family arranged a family luncheon for after the funeral. Some siblings found photos for the slide show. But I did pull it all together in the end. It was so much work, in fact, that it was hard for me to have time for grieving or even accepting that our mother had gone.

The day after the funeral, I crashed. I was numb and trying to come to terms both with losing mom and wondering if we had honored her well. I began thinking of things I should have mentioned, should have done. I didn't do much for four days, trying to make the mental and emotional transition, trying to find some equilibrium. Now, on day five, I am starting to function and getting ready for some sense of normalcy and routine -- starting with cleaning my house which has been badly neglected. I'll give myself some slack as enter a new phase of my own life. There is still much to do.

I wrote the following rather light-hearted reminiscence and posted it to Facebook. It's all true. Click on the link above to read the obituary, watch the slide show.

*****

I'll tell you something about my mother a lot of people don't know: she was a computer geek. It's not so strange for a woman to be sharp at computers. Except for her generation. She was born in 1928. She got her first DOS-based personal computer when I got mine sometime in the 80s. I worked for a small computer company and we dealt in mainframes, but eagerly awaited the advent of affordable personal computers. Mom and I taught ourselves DOS, word processing, and dBase by watching programs on public television. She wrote little database programs and mastered file management; later graduating to spreadsheets and specialized software, Windows, and more advanced uses. She was sharp and really did get it. She used her computer every day and upgraded to new ones as time went on. In her work at the IRS, she was often called on to participate in computer testing and training. At home, she made crafty things for holidays, grandkids, church. She had no fear of technology and bought apps, printers extra drives -- all kinds of goodies. If I were to criticize one thing, it might be that she ran disk cleanup way more than necessary (haha). I think she was ready to upgrade to Windows 10 when we deemed her a little dangerous on the internet and had to implement some curbs. And as cool and surprising as this little story is, it's just one of many things that my mother mastered in her lifetime.

 

It was with heavy hearts we buried my mother today surrounded by all of her children and many of her large family. She had the funeral she wanted -- a big, traditional Mormon service. The service of mostly grandchildren speaking, singing, praying, and participating as pallbearers was so lovely and she would have been tickled pink. We even had a very fit young granddaughter as a pallbearer who performed her duties in high heels. Mom would have loved it, as well as the bagpiper who played Going Home, as she had requested (and made us all cry).

 

You can read a little about my mother in her obituary at the link above, and watch a really wonderful slideshow of times of her life there, too.

Washing Windows

 I put off a lot of things during the pandemic in 2020. It hardly seemed worthwhile to clean downstairs every single week when I wasn't even spending time down there, let alone entertaining guests. I didn't really keep up on the weeds in the yard. I only got the oil changed in the car every six months (well, I never really reached the mileage, but thought six months was long enough to drive on that oil). And I never washed my windows. Unfortunately, with some of my procrastination, I've had to work hard to make up for lost time.

 With the lovely view from my home, clean windows are a must. And to go a whole year without washing them means I'm looking through a lot of dirt and doggie nose streaks. But, it's been even more than a year. I didn't wash the windows the year before either because of my cataract surgery and being unable to do strenuous tasks most of the summer. Yes, I know, I could have washed them in the fall -- but I didn't. 

 So I'm ashamed to say, I haven't washed my windows outside since 2018! And the person who suffers the most is me because I've been looking through that grime all this time. 

 But no more! Today I got up early, looked up my "recipe" for window washing, and got myself out the door by 8:30. An hour later I had washed and rinsed all 13 upstairs windows outside and cleaned the screens, too. I'm resting as I write this, and will next tackle the inside of that glass. But already the view has come into focus and it's beautiful. I've missed it!

 My windows are very high, and I use an unbelievably long squeegee to clean them. But I no longer use the squeegee as it's intended, to remove the water. I allow the windows to drip dry. I discovered a drip-dry "recipe" some years ago, and swear by it now. You simple hose down the windows, then wash with the soapy water, rinse with the hose and allow to dry without squeegeeing. The squeegeeing step was a backbreaking effort for me when I did it in the past because it required a certain amount of strength and leverage to effectively remove all the rinse water without streaks. I always ended up flat on my back after the ordeal of cleaning windows. Now, the task takes less time, and I'm not exhausted nor in pain after the job is done.

So, I thought I would share my recipe here for others like me who like clean windows but would like to make the task a little easier.

Here are the ingredients:
1/2 gallon warm (I used hot) water
1-2 Tablespoons of liquid Jet Dry (Finish Rinse Aid)
2-3 Tablespoons of liquid laundry detergent or Dawn dish washing soap
Mix all of the ingredients above.

Spray your windows down with a hose to get them wet, then wipe or brush the soapy solution onto your windows, and immediately hose it off. I use my squeegee to apply the solution to the windows as it's the only way I can get the soap up to my high windows. I soak a cleaning cloth or small towel in the solution, drape it over the squeegee, and apply it to the windows. I don't actually "scrub" the glass, just make sure to get it all good and soapy. This doesn't require the strength and leverage that's needed when removing rinse water with a squeegee. Much easier on me!

After rinsing with the hose, you're done. The remaining water just sheets off and you don't need to dry or squeegee it off.

I was able to clean all 13 windows and screens with a double batch of this mixture (I used a sponge on the screens and then rinsed with the hose). There is still enough solution left to clean the glass tops of my patio furniture. It took me an hour, start to finish, including removing the screens. If your terrain isn't hilly, like mine, you might get done even faster.

NOTE: I don't guarantee your windows will be 100% spot and streak-free, but they will be mostly so. I can live with the few spots that do remain as a trade off for the easy task.

Now, I'm through resting. Let's get on to the insides of those windows.
 

 

 

Making Other Plans

My mother lives in a state of limbo. She is still at her home, but her ability to function  continues to decline--slowly. Two summers ago she was able to go outside and spend time on her patio, dig in her garden, prepare meals, do laundry. Now, she barely walks with the aid of a walker. She can't prepare food. She needs help with every daily function except operating the TV and lift chair.  Her mind lives in a fantasy world of her creation. It pleases her that she's rich, she owns Park City, the largest ranch in North America, a fleet of helicopters and more. She has all kinds of imaginary family and friends (even a husband); some who visit every day and take her on outings. It's hard to sit patiently and listen to the thousandth telling of her stories. But there is little more to do besides making sure she is clean, fed, and safe. She's not going to get better. She is tired of life and prays to die. But she is getting good care and apart from a catastrophic event, she could go on like this for a long time. It is no kind of life.

I realize my own life has been in a sort of limbo as well. Of course, the pandemic forced all of us to put a lot of things on hold. But, this is more than that. Ever since I decided to get my house ready to sell, I mentally moved out. Everything I did after that, I would think, "what would the new owners want?" It has made me feel like I'm living in someone else's house right now. This is no way to live. But, with the crazy real estate market, I've finally decided not to try to sell now, but to wait until things equalize a little. Otherwise, I could end up downsizing without realizing any profit from my bigger, better house. 

So, I need an attitude change. Starting today, I am going to live in my house as if I'm not selling and moving. Everything I decide will be because I want it. Of course, there are still two major issues that make it hard to live here and were the reason I was ready to move: my large yard and the stairs. But there are accommodations for those things. And, in fact, I have implemented accommodations this summer that have made a difference already

THE YARD

I have hired Chavez to help with the yard. He is the new Alberto. He is as good as Alberto, and a little less expensive. But also a little less reliable. Still, he eventually shows up. He does clean up, mowing, trimming, pruning, sprinkling systems, spraying, planting, whatever I need. My intent was to retain the individual flower beds as my own responsibility. However, due to a small misunderstanding, Chavez now has ownership of care for the very steep and difficult west flower bed while I keep on with the rest.

I asked Chavez to weed that west garden for me earlier this year, and he weeded it well--but also pulled up a lot of perennials in the process and removed my drip irrigation. He explained there was too much grass among some of the perennials to save them (he was right), and the overhead spray was fine for the remaining flowers (he was wrong as things change when the plants gain different heights). After my initial shock at the destruction of all my years of hard work in that flower bed, and then talking it over with Chavez, I decided to just go with it. There were still a number of good plants growing. I had him plant two more perennials and a dozen zinnias for fall color and he reran the drip system to cover every plant and capped off the overhead spray. He piled a ton of mulch in there as well to keep down the weeds. So now, it does look beautiful and it's his to maintain. I won't risk life and limb in that flower bed any longer (how many dozens of times have I stood up in the hot sun and felt dizzy and nearly toppled off the four-foot rock wall there!). I will still take care of the back yard and east gardens myself. And it's a relief because I don't think physically I could do that west one anymore. Chavez owns the west garden.

I still have wildlife issues. For some reason, no gophers this year, but there were the raccoons. And now a couple of young bucks have begun frequenting my backyard and eating some of my flowers, including some really lovely hostas. But I'm being pragmatic about that--I live among the wildlife. The hostas will come back next year, and I'm no longer worrying about how the yard will look to buyers. I planted some vinca and coleus in those beds to supplement the perennials, so the beds still give me a happy feeling to look at.

In general, the yard is mature and I don't need to keep adding plants every year anymore. The things that have survived and thrived are the final garden. I will add very few perennials in the future, but will plant annuals in pots and add a few to the flower beds for extended color. The yard is managed until the day I once again decide to leave.  

Oh, deer!

THE STAIRS

The stairs are mainly a problem when I have to carry things like laundry, groceries, or garbage. It's painful for the knees and back, and I risk falling. But a couple of simple accommodations have mitigated the risk.

For the laundry, I now use two large laundry bags with shoulder straps (dorm bags). I can carry all the laundry downstairs at once, keeping my hands free to hold onto the railing. I bring the clothes back upstairs in the bags one batch at a time. This is totally manageable and not too hard on my knees and much safer in terms of avoiding falls.

With groceries, I have started shopping more often and buying fewer items at a time so there is less to carry inside. I can manage three trips up and down the stairs okay. But after that, my back and knees start to hurt too much. I put my arm through the bag handles so my hands are free to hold the railings. For non-perishable heavy or large/awkward things like bottled liquids, sodas, cleaning supplies, toilet paper, etc., I just move them from the car to the stairs and leave them lined up against the wall to be carried up one at a time later as I make other trips up and down. 

Carrying the garbage down is not a problem. I take one bag at a time. I don't let the bags get too heavy, and I tie them up so I can carry with one hand while holding the railing. 

I'M STAYING, BUT . . .

Even though I don't plan to sell my house right away, I am still going ahead with my lists of things to do in every room. Plus, I am going to get rid of my oversized, dark bedroom furniture and buy something smaller and lighter that I love. I'm also going to get rid of the ugly old china hutch and my unused desk, and probably even my dining room table and chairs. I was waiting for the move, but of course, I can buy the new, smaller furniture now.

I will continue to clean, repair, and downsize stuff everywhere because it makes me happier the more I do that. But for now, I do it for me and not for any future owners. With the help and accommodations I have arranged, I believe I can manage living here for some time longer.

Whoever it was that said, "Life is what happens while you're making other plans" was not entirely correct. Sometimes, when you make plans, your life can get put on hold and nothing happens. It's no way to live. 

*****

Later today, I caught the deer lazin' in my shady backyard after finishing off three hostas completely.

Oops -deleted post

 Oops, this belongs on my personal journal.

Raccoons Gone, Light Installed, Progress

 It took three weeks and ten visits from my raccoon wrangler before the mother raccoon decided to take the remaining baby (or babies) and exit the chimney on her own. He said she was the most difficult mama he'd ever dealt with. We had a chimney trap set, without success, for three days, when I became worried they would die in there and I asked him to remove it. He did so, and we waited for her to leave. She didn't leave after two days. But I asked him to set a ground trap next to the tree she used to access the roof (I saw her climb that tree), and then wait four or five days. That took us past Mother's Day weekend. I noticed no sound from the chimney for several days, so I contacted my guy. He discovered she had vacated and with video inside the chimney confirmed there were no more little animals inside. He installed the chimney cap to prevent any future residents.

Meanwhile, the landscapers wrapped up their work and then my guy came back and turned on the sprinklers and repaired what was needed. I didn't start watering right away because we are in a serious drought. But I finally had to break down and water for awhile last evening as the lawn was getting pretty dry.

But things in the yard have started growing, and I've picked up some annuals for planting. I need more for my patio pots. My granddaughter has offered to help me with planting, and I'll take her up on it so I can get it done without too much pain. I'm eager to have the yard looking lovely again.

I finally replaced the chandelier in my entry way. I found a good local electrician who gave me a quote. I ordered an inexpensive fixture from Amazon as my plan is primarily for staging my house for sale and not necessarily for long-term durability. However, once he had installed it yesterday, I found I really loved it both in its simplicity and because it echoed a design in my stair balusters. That ugly glass and brass fixture is gone

That wrapped up the people I had scheduled to help me with various jobs. I do appreciate people who help me. At the same time, I find that having people inside or outside the house feels invasive to me and it's a huge relief when they finish. I almost feel I need to walk around the place burning sage. 

It's a little funny now that I'm working through my to do list for staging my house, that it is possibly unnecessary. The lack of available houses on the market has brought new buying terms: buyers are waiving inspections, appraisals, repairs.But I've started down this path, and I plan to finish the items I want to fix up. In a way, I'm just proceeding as if I will continue living in my house for some time to come. I am not eager to get involved in a bidding war with Californians who are arriving with loads of cash in their pockets. I will probably wait to look for a house until the inventory of houses grows to more normal levels again and I will stand a chance of getting the house I want. In the meantime, I am fixing up and making my house the way I like it.

Other stresses in my life have moderated a bit. My 13-year old grandson got his first Covid shot yesterday, and we are close to having the immediate family all vaccinated. I am continuing to mask because I don't mind it and because I have liked not getting sick this past year at all. There are just over two weeks of school remaining, and I won't be needed to help out with transportation after that.

Mom had a flurry of visits from my siblings and their kids and grandkids after her bad week. And she has bounded back and has leveled off health-wise and mentally; more like where she was a month ago. She wanted to plan her own final arrangements and we made her an appointment with the funeral home that handled my dad's funeral. She seems to have one foot in this life and one in the next, and says daily that she is ready to go and wants to go. Her doctor said that allowing her to live alone at home is fine with daily morning and evening help and with occasional visits from a home health nurse, and not to rush her to the hospital unless she is in pain and needs help with that. Will she live a week, a month, a year? We have no way to guess. We'll just carry on as we have been. We are as prepared as we can be. I don't mind visiting a couple of times a week, but I really hate the drive getting there because of major road construction along every route between here and there.

So, I am just continuing on, trying to fulfill my responsibilities to family and trying to complete goals and projects. At age 73, I wonder if my life will ever be more simple.

Raccoons and Other Delights

The painted stripes of my TV room might shock a potential buyer. I've toned down the room by removing the red furniture and wild rug, and replacing with dark gray couch with simple gray blue and white rug and more appropriately sized art. Still, I may paint anyway.

UPDATE SATURDAY May 1: Yeah, that wasn't the end of the story after all. The raccoon wrangler came back for the third time yesterday, and discovered not only the mother still in the chimney, but a couple more babies. He tried again to force her out, but she would not budge. So, he came back again today for the fourth time. She and the babies are still there. So he placed a chimney trap and set it. She will be caught when she tries to leave. Meanwhile, the landscapers are still here for the third day, and we are getting to the brutal stage of the cleanup where they use noisy leaf blowers for seemingly hours and I notice the bare beds where some of my perennials have been "weeded" out. No matter how a landscaper assures you his guys know perennials, don't believe it. They know a few, but not all the ones I've planted. My yard is too naked now for my liking. Most things will grow back. I won't replant any perennials as that's a long-term investment. I'll plant deer-resistant annuals for color and hope this is the last year I live in such a big space. Oh, and mom fell again; well, actually slipped out of her chair onto the floor and couldn't get back up. We recognize this is a new and concerning development and we have to be even more watchful. This week continues to test my strength.

ᕯᕯᕯᕯ

I'll tell the ending first: a week ago, I discovered I had a nest of raccoons in my chimney. A raccoon removal guy managed to get the three babies out and we assume at this point the mother has either left or will soon. The guy will be back today or tomorrow to make sure the mother is out and install a chimney cap so it won't happen again.

I'm one of those people who think "it's not going to happen to me". Two different neighbors had raccoons last year and both advised me to get the chimney capped. I decided I would, but procrastinated until the inevitable happened. I've not had good results from wildlife handlers in the past, so at first I decided I might take the advice of several web sites and just let the raccoons stay until the babies were old enough to leave the nest--8 to 10 weeks. However, after just five days, Frankie and I had both had enough. I tried all the suggestions like playing loud rock music and audio of vicious barking dogs as is suggested everywhere on the internet. But you'll notice one thing about that: all the people giving the advice did not actually have a success story to tell. I learned that the ones who hated the loud rock music the most were Frankie and me. I had a speaker right inside the fireplace playing nearly 24/7 and it had no effect whatever.

I was running on between 2 to 4 hours of sleep a night. I finally gave up on that and called a raccoon removal service. I lucked out and got a really good one. The guy came out two days in a row, took pictures to confirm it was a raccoon (although the mewling and chittering was pretty evident). He poked and prodded the mother from below and above and could get her part way up the chimney, but she always went back down. The first day, he hoped the mother would decided the chimney was unsafe and move the babies overnight. She didn't. Finally, on the second day, he used a long device to remove the babies up through the chimney. Even though the babies were retrieved alive and in good condition, I knew they would be euthanized later on as the law requires that. The mother did not leave while he was here, but he will be back later to ensure she's gone. The whole process cost me about $500. It sounds high, but after the ordeal of trying to evict them on their own, it was worth it

No sooner had that guy left, than my yard cleanup crew showed up unexpectedly. I had called them earlier in the week and asked him to let me know when they were coming. Well, I have two solid days of work for them, and I'm certainly not sending them away once they're here. They put in a good 8 hours yesterday and are back today. I don't know why I find it so exhausting when they are here. I worry about them pulling up my perennials. I know I will lose some and I have to be resigned to that. I am facing the truth I can't manage this yard by myself anymore. I have a lot of pain in my joints and back after working only an hour. I'm too slow at this now. And after two years of hit and miss efforts on my part, I need this crew very much

Especially, since I'm considering selling my house this year and truly downsizing

My timing couldn't be worse for buying a little house without stairs, near my sons, as I want. Real estate prices have exploded. I know that means my house will sell for more. But for some reason, those little one level houses have gone up at a higher rate that other single family homes. I was depressed about that at first, but I decided to keep working on getting my house ready so I can pull the trigger the minute I see a good opportunity. I may sell first in order to make a cash offer, as those are most competitive right now. I hope this can happen this year. My body is suffering from the stairs. Especially carrying laundry down and up and carrying groceries up

Thus, in the midst of my raccoon crisis, I have scheduled workers right and left to help me. Tomorrow, I have an electrician coming to see about installing a new light fixture in the entryway for me.  I also had expected a guy to come this weekend to turn on and test the sprinklers outside, but he is two weeks about now and I may have my son help me do it ourselves. Or maybe my new landscape cleanup guy will do it. He is turning out to be something of an Alberto for me

All of these things are necessary for staging my house as best I can. I am still thinking about painting some of the rooms that currently have what was my idea of pretty paint colors, to return them to neutral. Or I might just offer a paint allowance to buyers

I've been selling things, giving away, and throwing away. Selling is hard. The only way you sell stuff is to price it ridiculously low. I still need to sell my lovely piano. I guess that comes next. No more putting it off.

And if there hasn't been chaos enough in my life, I have been helping along with two other siblings to take care of my 92 year old mother, allowing her to live in her own home as she wants. However, that is fraught with problems -- not the least of which is a form of dementia that has me baffled, in which she suffers from delusions and hallucinations and false memories to an extreme while still having a pretty accurate long-term memory for some things. I am thinking I may write about that at some future time. She is very frail and sort of shrinking away, but she has always had a mean streak, and that manifests itself even more now, making her difficult to manage. Then, yesterday, right in the middle of baby raccoon removal, I got a call from my brother saying she had fallen in the night and was still on the floor when my niece (her daily caretaker) arrived in the morning. They managed to get her up and determined she hadn't broken anything and her vitals soon returned to normal after she was fed and rested. She has one of those emergency alert necklaces but she wouldn't wear it. We'll make her wear it now or we'll have no alternative except moving her to extended care. We live day to day with her situation, knowing everything could suddenly change. But we do our best to fulfill her wishes for living out her life at home

So, to say life has become crazy right now is an understatement. I'm back to carpooling grandkids to and from school for another month. But I've had my Covid vaccination shots as have nearly all of my kids and some of the grandkids. At least I'm feeling safer and more confident with my own family. Life is far from my idea of normal. But, if I can get over this hump of getting my house ready to sell, I will try to keep a positive attitude that I will find something that I love and will be able to move sometime this year. And with those raccoons gone, I hope to be getting more sleep, too.

Explore

Once or twice a day I check in on a couple of wildlife cams I follow on Explore.org.  I am particularly in love with AfriCam and have seen some wonderful views of animals in the wild. But today, this one puzzled me. But when I zoomed in, I saw it was just a herd of wildebeests lying down near the Tau water hole. 

Of course, I check in on bird cams such as the Decorah Eagles these days. And throughout the winter, I look to see if the northern lights are playing in Churchill Manitoba. This is a great free resource for not just education and information, but personal zen as well.