One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

 

 Ever since we sold mom's house and finally closed in February, I have felt I am so close to having my own house ready to sell. But it seems like one thing after another happens to set me back.

Speaking of back, one of my setbacks was injuring my back on the day I had a little celebration with the kids to observe not an ending, but a new beginning. I ended up having two little parties as not everyone could come on the same day. It was on the day of the second party that I pulled a muscle in my back trying to carry some pizzas upstairs. They were the take and bake kind and were heavy and unwieldy at 16" each and stacked up. With my knees as they are, I require the handrail on stairs, and tried balancing the pizza stack on one hand. I obviously used some muscles that had long been in disuse, what with the pandemic and then general staying at home all the time. The pain was pretty bad and I had to walk very carefully, and not twist or bend too much.

I took a pain pill and tried to prepare things while moving quite gingerly. I noticed then the pizza guys had messed up my order! Grr. I had ordered the chicken and artichoke pizza without the usual bacon as my daughter won't eat bacon. I specifically ordered it through the custom menu so they would get it right. But, alas, the preparer took one look at the order and assumed it was the standard item with bacon and prepared it thus. In the end, the pizza place offered me a free pizza for another date while I sat and picked off the minced bacon bits before baking.

Then, I decided I would bake the cinnamon bread ring first before the pizzas so the pizzas would be hot when everyone arrived. Disaster! About 10 minutes into the bake time I could smell something burning. I ran to the kitchen and opened the oven which poured out smoke and the smell of burnt butter and sugar. The topping had run over the edge of the pan that is provided by the pizza place, and a mess was now smoking and turning to ash, and my oven seemed covered, sides, top, and, bottom in a sticky black residue. Oh yes, the smoke alarm went off and screeched for a good 15 minutes, though I had all the doors and windows open at that point. I managed to clear the smoke, stop the alarm, and clean up the worst of what was burning in the bottom of the oven. I managed to finish baking the cinnamon bread, which, incidentally, was really delicious, as were the other pizzas. And the party was saved. But my oven has yet to be cleaned now. I'm not really comfortable with the self-cleaning option that runs the oven at super high temps. But my back is still on again/off again giving me discomfort, and I hate to go through the physical gyrations of oven cleaning the old way. And to think, my oven was clean before all that.  

Oh yes, and the microwave chose that day to die altogether -- a thing it had been threatening to do for six months or more. I ended up buying a relatively cheap replacement from Lowe's that used the same mounting system as the old one, and my son helped me get it installed. It looks nice and works just fine, but if I were staying, I would have bought a nicer one.

Well, I gave myself some time off for moping over the setback. At the same time, gophers had awakened and were systematically ruining my front lawn. I had, I thought, successfully poisoned them after they made some dozen mounds near the front of the house over the winter. But now they have popped up further down, closer to the sidewalk, and there seems no limit to the number of mounds they are determined to make. I have just stared at the mounds day after day with no desire to deal with them. And it would seem ridiculous now to have the cable company come back and repair the damage they also did (for absolutely no reason!) in January, because the gopher issues make the other damage insignificant. And being in the same vicinity, they will require much of the same remediation. The grass was already looking very sad and weedy after last year's watering restrictions. Can it be saved?

I have bought some rapid grass seed, and some lawn soil. I've contacted my yard guy for a spring cleanup and I will have him do the remediation on the lawn, removing the mounds, putting poison underground in the burrows, raking and spreading the grass seed where needed, topping with a light layer of lawn soil. The only problem is my yard guy is getting busy and I don't know when he will be here. It's just like with Alberto years ago, and the guy I had after him. They start out new, with me giving them a chance, as they try to build up a business and clients. Then, after a few years, they get busy. Then they only want to work for the big guys doing big jobs for the big money and I'm left to find another new guy. *Sigh.* But I will endure with my current guy as I'm so close now and just need to whip the yard into shape. I don't want to break in another newbie. When I move, I will have a much smaller yard and it will be flat. I expect to be able to care for it myself and not rely on the yard guys much.

But the new house feels like a dream that I'll never achieve. So many setbacks, and it seems I can't stay even, let alone get ahead or get finished. So, I'm fighting discouragement and trying to do small tasks in the house and keep moving forward. This week, I hope the yard work gets done. I'll plant a few annuals for some color, wash the windows, and do one good cleaning through the whole house.

It feels like I may be approaching the finish line. But who knows what each new day will bring. Here's hoping.

When you go out to paint

 I have all but given up painting, but plan to return again after I move. I saw this quote and just wanted to save it somewhere where I could find it again.

Our House

 Our house, circa 1952. The house I grew up in.

This is how the house looked when we first lived there. A two-bedroom, one bath house. Dad later built two bedrooms in the basement. And a "coal room" where we stored coal for the old furnace, also became another bedroom once we converted to a natural gas furnace. Eight kids and two adults lived in that little house. It was tight. Our driveway was originally a dirt path facing onto Harrison Blvd -- a main road that became very busy over the years. We had orchards to the north and behind the house. Those orchards were our playground for many years. The owner no longer maintained them or picked the fruit. Eventually all the land was sold and developed into houses in the 50s and 60s. We had our own apple and peach trees and a large yard. Dad built a large garage in the back of the house and our driveway faced the new Douglas Street that had been added running along the south side of the house through the old orchards. Both mom and dad had a wish to live in the house till they died, and that wish was fulfilled. They owned the house for over 70 years. So much history there. Too much to even touch on here.

Our house, 2023

We finally listed mom's house for sale in December, just a week or so before Christmas. Probably not the best time in real estate terms, but it was ready and we were sick of working on it.

We strangely call it mom's house, although it is really our mom and dad's house -- and our house, really. It was the only house mom and dad ever owned. They bought it when I was about 3 years old -- 72 years ago. I guess we call it mom's house because she had lived alone in it since dad died about nine years before her.

It's been a year and a half now since mom died, and we, the trustees of the estate, have been working hard to settle estate matters. That has been one of the most difficult and frustrating tasks of my entire life. First, it was necessary to empty the house of all the belongings. That, in itself, was a gargantuan undertaking. Mom and dad grew up in the Depression era, and they hated to part with anything that seemed to have some value. In truth, there was little value in most of what they saved, and it wasn't even easy to give it all away. We went through a process that allowed all of the eight siblings multiple chances to find things they wanted from the house and to take those things. Some of them took a great deal and some took almost nothing. We set a rule that we were not going to keep track of dollar values as long as everyone was happy with what they got. That worked fine until a year later when some of the ones who took the most suddenly had complaints about how it was all done. We ended up having to send an attorney's letter to settle it. Costly, but necessary.

In that time, we've had to make a number of repairs to the house as well. It has taken time that some of the siblings resented. Of course, the ones who complained the loudest were the same ones who were too busy to help with the work. Gratefully, some were dependable and helped us get the work done.

Toward the end, we put in some long hours and extra effort to get the house to market. I sacrificed working on my own home to the end. I don't necessarily feel my sacrifice was worth it. Some of the siblings have complained that the house would have sold for more if we had listed it sooner. But the trade-off they fail to understand, is that the house was in no condition to sell sooner. We could have sold it as it for a rock bottom price. But the trustees jointly felt it was in the best interest of all to repair issues in the house before selling. It was the right choice. The house is freshly painted, cleaned, and all repaired now and ready for someone to move right in.

Now, a month after listing, our realtor will be holding an open house this weekend. We're hoping to see some interest in the old house. You'd think we'd be sad and sentimental to see it sold. But after so many months of hard work and hassle, it will simply be a relief and that's all.

My own house is very nearly ready to list. But I've had a series of issues in the yard over the winter. The fiber optic company had to come repair their lines damaged during the water line construction from last summer. As a result, they've dug up three places in my yard that now need to be fixed (the city wouldn't allow them to trench in the newly paved road, and so they are laying line under the sidewalks!). I'm assured my landscaping will be put back as it was, but I know that won't happen, as these workers are clumsy oafs. Also I've had a gopher spree in the front lawn with now 10 mounds! These have been buried under snow most of the winter. But they are now visible, and I'm going to have to kill the gophers and mitigate the mess made by the mounds. It always something with a house. So much for curb appeal. But inside is in good shape, and I'm just trying to keep it as clean as possible. I plan to contact a realtor in February. I'll probably need my yard care guy to come help me with fixing landscaping issues.

Selling mom's house is the end of an era for sure. And selling my own house is the end of one and the beginning of another. I have been mentally preparing to move for a long time, and have been downsizing in terms of personal belongings to make the move easier. I think I still have too much furniture for the small houses I'm considering. My hope now is just that the market is decent enough to sell my house and be able to buy a smaller house, and put some cash in the bank from the difference. That's the plan for 2023. I want a new place and I'm more than ready for that big change.

I don't look forward to moving. But I must do it soon. My body can't handle this hill and the stairs anymore. And I'm tired of cleaning a big house when I basically live in three or four of the rooms. It's time for me to go. Unlike my parents, I don't want to live in this house till I die.

UPDATE: Yesterday, Mar 20, we finally signed papers to close on the sale of the house. It was a relief after some ups and downs. Our first offer was disappointingly low and eventually fell through because the buyer continued to make unreasonable demands for more concessions. A week later, we had three full-asking-price offers and accepted one. Even after that, we had two more buyers wanting to pay full price. We could have gotten into a bidding war, but we aren't greedy. We felt the asking price was fair. Our reward was an easy process from that point to closing. The buyers sign papers today and the funds will transfer to our account tomorrow. And that will close this chapter. I learned a few things in this process that will help me in the sale of my own house.

 

So Much Change

 

Is it possible to have too much change at once? I'm thinking it is. The past two months my daughter has been helping me with various projects in the house to get it ready to sell. To be honest, the house should have been ready long before now. Part of my problem is procrastination and part is that I have such a linear way of thinking about the process: I feel like things have to happen in a certain order and no other way will work. It's my mind trying to think through the efficiencies of what I'm doing and how to proceed so I don't end up doing things twice. Of course, I overthink things. A lot.

With my daughter helping me, it's forced me to stay more or less on track. She respects my linear thinking as she inherited some of that from me. But she has pushed me to get on with it and get things crossed off the list. The list. Some 80 items of things I think need to be done before I can list my house for sale.

And I have crossed off more than half the items at this point. But she is a teacher and has now gone back to work for the fall and can't come over and help as much. I took advantage of that this past week and, frankly, got lazy and unproductive. Although, a small excuse kind of boils to the surface when I think about it: A lot has changed in my house and it's a little bit hard to adjust to so much change so quickly. I notice it in Frankie, too. Now his bed is in a different location because of changes in my bedroom. Even after a couple of weeks, he seems a little unsettled about sleeping there. I know how he feels.

Just consider the large furniture that has left my house now: the grand piano, the large Queen Anne desk, the huge china hutch (68" wide), my tall bulky chest of drawers from the bedroom and most recently all the rest of my bedroom furniture. That last item was not on the list. But as other rooms began to feel open, spacious, and lovely, the bedroom still felt heavy, dark, somewhat oppressive. Well, the walls are a dark green to start with. But the furniture I had come to hate was big, dark brown, too ornate, and in bad condition. It felt to me that the room needed lightening, I already had white curtains and had switched to a new white with green comforter. I could see I was part way there. It was very clear that the old furniture needed to go and I needed something light.

This was not a new idea. I'd been looking at furniture for some time and I knew it would need to be light gray, white or off white. I looked at many options online and made a spreadsheet to help me keep track and to compare (yes, I am that person). My plan was to live with the old furniture until after moving and then buy the new things to be delivered right to the new place. But suddenly, a few weeks ago, I had a whim and decided to order my furniture at once.

I did it. I ordered the furniture from a well-known online company after much searching, comparing, and reading customer reviews. That was all a story in itself, but I'll spare you the details.

I immediately removed all items from my exiting furniture and put everything into large bags where I could find what I needed during the transition. I gave the old furniture away. It had too many issues to try to sell it. I'd had it for over 40 years, and my in-laws who gave it to us had it some years before that. It was old and ugly. But when I listed it for free, someone was at my house within a couple of hours and carried it all away.

As I awaited the arrival of the new furniture, I cleaned: walls, carpets, baseboards. The room felt so clean and fresh. I slept on a bed without a headboard pulled away from the wall a few feet, and discovered, how comfortable that was. That old wood headboard was creaky and overpowering. I had purchased a white padded headboard to replace it some weeks earlier, but hadn't installed it awaiting the room cleaning. But even with no headboard at all, bedtime felt more peaceful and I found it easier to fall asleep.

The furniture arrived, and I quickly had it set up. I paid the small extra fee to have the deliverymen take it directly to the bedroom rather than leaving by the garage door.  That was well worth it and I didn't need to call on family members to carry the very heavy pieces in. I did, however, unpack the items myself which was messy and took longer than I expected with lots of cardboard and styrofoam to deal with. I only purchased a large dresser and two nightstands plus the headboard. I had fewer but larger drawers now. I didn't get a tall chest of drawers because I had emptied the old one and reduced my drawer contents to all fit in just the dresser. I'd ordered the matching mirror but ended up sending it back as it was just to much matchy matchy in the room. I kept my old mirror and it's perfect. I didn't then, and still haven't, attached the feet to the pieces. I'll do that at the new house. It still looks pretty, but I thought the feet made the furniture too tall for my room. I wanted to keep things sleek and serene.

I don't know why I waited several days, almost a week, before moving my clothes into the drawers. The bedroom looked beautiful with everything in place. But the change was so big, both Frankie and I felt like we were in someone else's house. Even after filling the drawers, I struggle to remember which drawer has what and I'm still adjusting.

So if I was lazy last week and unproductive, maybe I needed that. I needed time to start feeling at home again in my bedroom and other rooms of the house. To get used to the seriously big changes I've made.

And I think I'm about there. I woke up today in a good mood and feeling no pain in knees. I looked around at my beautiful bedroom and felt pleased. I'd had six hours of uninterrupted sleep, which is very unusual for me, and might have slept longer if Frankie hadn't gotten up. The soft quiet headboard is one factor in my peaceful feeling. But there's more. The room really is serene and more sleep inducing. I should have done this long ago.

I feel ready to get back onto that list and finish up the last remaining items. There are no more really big changes to make. Mostly what's left is cleaning and rearranging. In my office I will pack up all my own memorabilia projects as well as the slides project from my parents' house. Those things will sit in moving boxes in the garage and will find their way to the new house in that state. I won't try to tackle any such projects now.

The garage remains the biggest thing to tackle still. And even though that involves getting rid of a lot of stuff, it won't have the same impact on me, I'm sure, as the inside of the house. I also now need to do some autumn sprucing in the yard. My yard care guy has become somewhat unreliable. But the yard is in decent shape considering we've had watering restrictions this year and the grass nearly died. Recent rain has got things growing, including the weeds. I'll do a little weeding and try to plant a few things for color. That will do. Oh yes, I still plan to paint the front porch. Well, these are large tasks and will take me a little more time. But I'm very very close now.

Of course, the biggest change of all will be moving into a new house. Maybe the major change in my bedroom will have helped prepare me mentally for that big change. I do think there is such a thing as too much change at once. And it can be debilitating. For awhile. But at some point, I have to pull myself together and carry on.

Morning visitors. Mom and three fawns (number 3 wandered around the side of the house). Look how green my lawn looks after two heavy days of rain! It was all yellow a week ago. Ignore the weeds. I'll get to them.

Life Expectancy

 I got thinking the other day about how old I am (74) and wondered, statistically speaking, how much longer I might expect to live. It seems life expectancy ages dropped a bit during Covid, but are more back to normal this year. That means I might expect to live to be around 81. That's seven more years. Good lord, when you think of it that way, it's a little shocking. You always think you have another decade or two left. Of course, that's based on averages and includes sick people and others who die much younger. My mom, for example lived to be 91. My dad lived to 90. But none of us knows what lies ahead and how much time we have.

Along that vein, I progressed to thinking about how I spend my time, especially now that I may have precious little of it left. Things really are coming into focus for me. I know with more certainty what I want to do more of and what I don't want to do at all.

I'm looking at everything I do, and judging whether it's worth some of my limited remaining time or not. It's okay to waste time, because rest and relaxation are valuable, too. But I'm sure not going to waste any more time on things that don't bring happiness to me or my loved ones, or things that cause worry but that I can't change. It has to all be about quality now since the quantity of life is getting short.

Today, I wrote a much longer, more detailed plan in my private blog listing specific things I will do more, or less, or not at all. It helps me to realize how much time I've wasted on futile efforts. But no more. Some of the things I will do the same or even more of are cooking and baking, birding, music, gardening, entertaining my family, enjoying my little dog. Things I will cut back on are home decorating, watching TV news, watching TV in general, and worrying about the state of the world.

From here on out, life expectancy for me means getting what I expect from the rest of my life.

House Hunting

Things are starting to change in the local real estate market. There is a larger inventory of houses overall, and prices seem to be stabilizing or even dropping slightly for the house I'm in the market for. The listings for that type of house and location range widely from about $470k to $650k. There is not sufficient justification for the price difference except, I think, that people are willing to pay the price to get a one-level house. Probably boomers like me who own their homes and can pay cash. But some of those houses are very overpriced and I don't think property values will sustain that over time. I don't want to get into a situation where I pay so much for a house that my kids have to sell it for less when I die. So I'm looking at the lower to middle end of that scale.

I'm looking in a very specific neighborhood where two of my sons and their families live. The house must be one level, and not too close to a busy street or highway. I have other wishes, but I have decided that most of those are not really deal killers. But location is essential

There have been several one level houses available in recent weeks, but two of them had backyards facing Legacy highway, which has become very noisy now they have started allowing semis and other large trucks there. I need to be at least a few streets away from Legacy. Another house was on one of the two main roads that travel through this little suburb. But the city has approved something like a thousand or more new units (town homes, etc.) to be built on the other side of Legacy, and that will increase traffic on those two roads. I definitely don't want a driveway that backs out onto those. I also want to be at least a few streets away from the very busy Redwood Road that carries heavy truck traffic.

Two good possibilities came on the market this morning. Both 3-bedroom, both listed at about $500k. One is on a corner, close to my son's house, but the corner is on the busy main drag through Foxboro. I like literally everything else about this house. It has a slightly larger yard with a covered patio. But the busy street and a school across the street might be a deal killer. At least the driveway doesn't back onto the busy street. The other house is about a mile away and is almost perfect. It has a smaller yard but no covered patio. But it has an extra room--a small entry living room that would be perfect as a music room. It has upgraded finishes inside. But it's in an HOA at $35 per month--I wanted to avoid an HOA, but that's not a deal killer, really. The location is perfect as far as noisy or busy roads, but a little further away from my son than I wanted to be. I posted a picture of this sweet house above. It really is my ideal home.

 But I have some things yet to do before I make any offers. I am still working on my long list in my own house. Although, I'm buckling down and getting those things done. I think my house will be ready for viewing in a week.

I need to call my credit union and find out about short-term mortgages in case I want to buy before I sell. And I need to call and get quotes on storage pods in case I want to sell before I buy. The later seems like a better possibility. The costs for a pod is moderate, and they will take it to a storage location until you are ready to move in to a new place. Taking that route would give me cash to buy a house, making me more competitive. I could live out of suitcases with my son or daughter for a short time. They both have room for me and Frankie.

Even though houses are remaining listed for a little longer before selling than they were earlier this year, I probably won't be ready to buy before these two possibilities sell. But you never know. And I expect to continue seeing more of the same in the coming weeks and months.

I have to forget all about emotional things that are holding me back. I need to go into zombie mode of just working and making phone calls, and getting things done, and not over-thinking. It's time to get serious.

Transitioning

 It's been a long old slog getting to where I am today. I've been bogged down by so many things: pandemic, mom's illness and death, clearing mom's house, downsizing everything in my own house and a long list of to-dos. I have serious mood swings and bouts of motivation and lack of. I set goals I can't achieve, and feel like a failure. I look at houses for sale online and feel utterly discouraged by the crazy prices. (It turns out my county is one of the top 14 in the country where housing has become unaffordable!) I am repeatedly let down by people I hire or who I otherwise depend on. I often feel depressed. Some days, I sit on the couch and only get up to feed Frankie or let him out.

But I feel lately that something is changing. Maybe it's spring and improving weather. Maybe it's because I've had a couple of breakthoughs that feel like real progress. Maybe it's my mind finally settling into a transition from what was to what can be.

Changes in my community are huge and stark and not necessarily nice. Where previously existed houses and empty lots are now rows of condos and apartments. My favorite Mexican restaurant is gone, giving way to development. My favorite Chinese takeout has closed with the owner's retirement. Even natural events have changed the landscape: trees blown down in a storm or dying of old age leaving big gaps that makes my heart sad. My former thoughtful neighbors have moved away and I'm left with people who don't care about upkeep on their yards or houses and who let their dogs run loose and bark constantly. I know every neighborhood has its problems, but I'm surrounded by a new ugly.

So much change. My daughter commented the other day that she had wondered if she would miss our house when I sell it. But then she said that the house has so changed from when she lived here, that almost nothing is the same anyway. And it's true. The stone fireplace is the same but nearly every inch of the house and yard have otherwise changed over the past 10 years or so. But for me, there's still the nostalgia of the view of Antelope Island and scenes west from my perch on the hill. And watching the changing sunset sky over Mount Ben Lomond to the north as I sit in my TV room. And simply the peace of my patio, watching birds and enjoying a cool place. 

But my mind is changing about those things now, too. You can see Ben Lomond from many places throughout the valley. Antelope Island, too. My next house will have different views, but the important thing is that I can make it another place of peace and enjoyment. I think forward to that time now with more anticipation than ever. And it makes me feel excited that I will be so close to my kids and grandkids.

I made a list of all the things I still need/want to do in my house; 80 things! Well, large and small things including washing all the walls in the house. There are things on the list others tell me I just don't need to do. But it's a matter of pride for me. I want to turn my house over to its new owners ready to live in. I have been overwhelmed by the size of the list and it has caused some failure on my part to get anything at all done. But I'm resolved now to do just ONE thing. And when that's done, do another ONE thing. And stop thinking about the big picture, the whole list.

April has been a success as far as downsizing personal items in closets and drawers. I suddenly became bold about giving away clothing and personal items. My daughter gave me a good tip: pick out the things you want to keep. Then get rid of everything else. It was a good approach and was pretty fast going as well. I'm embarrassed to say I found some items in the closet with new tags on them still--never worn. But either too small or no longer something I like. That money is already spent and I gain nothing by holding onto the items. So out they go. It was liberating to be so bold. I have reduced my clothing alone by nearly half.

It's a problem for me that I often have a lot of real physical pain and it holds me back. But I have to live with that and do what I can. Some days I have to do small tasks with no stair climbing. Other days I feel strong and nearly pain-free and can handle many trips up and down. But those stairs are a daily reminder of why I need to move soon.

 I'm not sad about the big changes I've made so far -- selling the piano and desk and getting rid of so much stuff. Transitioning to life without those things has really been quite easy. And that's proof, if I needed any, that it doesn't matter how much or what items I keep or get rid of, I am fine with all of it. 

Every week there are one or two houses without stairs listed for sale in the neighborhood where my sons live -- my target location. I have to be sure I'm not being too picky and understand that I have to compromise on some wish items. But the two this past week were both very close to the freeway. I want something a little further east than those so I can enjoy being outside. The two last week were possibilities but really represented the highest end and lowest end of the possibilities in those homes. One was really too small and a bit run down. The other was lovely in every respect with a fireplace and high end finishes, but also very high priced -- almost the same as my larger house would sell for. I want something in between those options. I do have a wish list, but I'm willing to compromise. And I'm not averse to doing some changes once I move in. I consider each house that comes up, and imagine how it would be living there. Truly trying to make a mental transition from here to there. I can't change the location or size of the house, and those are basic to my wants. But otherwise, I'm keeping all options open.

Change is hard. And I think it's particularly hard when we're old and set in our ways and used to things the way they've been for a long time. But it's really important for me to embrace change right now in order to make a comfortable, livable life for the remaining years I have.

Another much loved item leaves the house

Sold my pretty Queen Anne style desk today. It was part of my home office for all those years I worked from home. But lately, my office has been unused and become a catch-all room. The furniture was just gathering dust. I know I need to have less furniture when I move, so the time had come to sell this lovely desk. I really have loved it and enjoyed it. But now I will just enjoy the memories.

It turned out to be a more popular item that I had expected, and I ended up with a waiting list of people who wanted to buy it. The young woman who did buy it was thrilled with it as she was just setting up an office for her young business. It always feels good when your beloved possessions are passed along to someone who will appreciate them as much as you do.

The End of an Era

The piano movers came today. In 30 minutes they had it all packed up, in the truck and on its way. I am sitting here still feeling a little stunned and sad. I had tried to prepare myself mentally, but it's a loss and I'm feeling it. Damn, it's harder than I thought it would be.

I had them take it out through the French doors in the dining room to avoid those difficult stairs. I did a lot of prep work to make the move easy for the guys. I moved all the dining room furniture out, moved all the living room furniture to the fireplace side, outside I trimmed some trees that were obstructing the path, and I shoveled some snow and put down ice melt. My son helped me move stepping stones on the slope at the side of the house where my landscaper had put them. They would only trip up the movers. In fact, they were frozen into the mulch, so by moving them, the resulting large divots made good footholds.

This move marks the end of an era for me. Once my house was filled with people, and noise, and music, and life. Now, it's just me and I can't fill it up. Yesterday, someone I was watching on TV said something to this effect, "The end of something is just the beginning of something else." Many ways of saying that, and it sounds a little trite. But today, it does feel like a turning point--a moment in time of no going back now.

It is time to find a new place to live and turn this house over to a new family who will fill up all its corners and bring life to it again.

Bye bye my lovely grand piano

 

Selling stuff is hard work and a lot of getting hopes up only to be disappointed. But after close to seven weeks, a couple of failed deals, a handful of lowball offers, a dealer who wanted me to consign it, and even some hoaxsters who get their kicks setting up appointments with no intention of showing up--after all that, a serious buyer came, played it, examined it, and put down cash.

It was actually the buyer's parents who bought it. The buyer lives in Oklahoma and apparently has several kids who play very well. It pleases me my lovely piano will be going to a family home where it will be used and loved. But it's a bittersweet pleasure. It's also sad to see my beautiful piano I've owned for over two decades leaving my home. I'm having chills and goosebumps in the wake of accepting the offer.

But the pragmatic side of me realizes this is an important step in being able to sell my house and move on. I am so focused on making that happen now. It will take a little while for them to make the arrangements to move the piano. But the process is in motion now. And I've accepted it mentally and emotionally, and have made a deal with myself that I have my memories and that will have to do for me now.

2022 Resolution

 I am resolved to get my house sold in 2022. I have just a few little things remaining on my formerly-long list of things to do. Houses are still selling fast in my town. My friend with a similar house to mine sold her house after listing only three days. The smaller houses I'm looking to downsize to are selling in a week or less. Prices on both areas seem to have settled down now and I have a pretty good idea what I'm looking at price-wise. I expect to put a sizeable sum into savings between selling and downsizing. But that depends on the house I end up buying. Some of those one-story houses have extra nice layouts, finishes, and larger garages. I will pay more if one of those houses become available. But I will end up with no mortgage and still with a good savings. I plan to go to the credit union this week or next (weather permitting) and see about getting a home equity line of credit on my present home so I can offer cash when the house I want comes on the market.

My piano is up for sale and that will be an additional sum in the bank. I am ready to let this beautiful instrument go to a new home. It feel somewhat overwhelmed and burdened by it now that I'm serious about moving. While it is a little sad to see it go, I do have my other Yamaha electronic keyboard which is much smaller and so much fun to play. If I don't sell the grand piano before I buy a house, I'll squeeze it into the new place and continue to try to sell it. I've had a lot of interest but no takers yet. I did get one very low-ball offer which I turned down.

I'm making no other resolutions for 2022. If I manage to achieve this one, it will make all the difference for me. No stairs and a flat, walkable neighborhood with a good grocery store and hardware store in walking distance, too. And near two of my sons and families. I will be ready for the next phase of my ever aging self.

Stuff. Not everything is a treasure.

 Saturday, driving home from Ogden, I happened to look down at the gas gauge and was shocked to see I was riding nearly on empty. I always fill up at half a tank. Well, apparently not always. Everything associated with clearing our family house and handling estate business has distracted me from my usual routines. Plus, my downstairs is still in chaos awaiting the restoration guys to come install new baseboards and door frames. My brain is overflowing and not keeping me on top of things like it should.  Oh, I made it home and got the tank filled.

I had brought a few items home with me from the house that day: a small arm chair, an electronic photo display, a yardstick from Roskelley's dress shop in Logan where my grandmother had worked in the 50s--not much this time. I added some of this to the pile of stuff already accumulating from the house: an ocean painting, a cabinet for vinyl records, a big bin of yarn I will be giving away, and a large stack of slides with two projectors and a portable screen for my part of the big scanning project, along with various other odds and ends that I now wonder why I even brought home.

I looked around at the accumulation of items from the house along with stuff I had removed from the guest room closet. It all just looks like clutter. It mostly is clutter. In fact, I will be taking almost everything from that closet and some other stuff to drop off for charity this week. Those things have been stored in there for years and never once been needed or wanted.

If this clearing out process has taught me anything, it's the very temporary joy we get out of stuff we accumulate. You could see it in the patterns of mom's accumulation. She literally left off in the middle of making an item and moved on to her next interest. Meanwhile, stacks of supplies related to the unfinished project remained, boxed up for decades, waiting for us to sort through after her death.

Each of my siblings had a different approach to the things they wanted from the house. Several of us (me included) wanted only a few items with memories attached. Some wanted a lot more. Two siblings really loaded up items, both furniture and minutiae. One brother just couldn't bear to allow anything to go to charity. After everyone had taken what they wanted from each room, he would go back and box up as much as he could and haul it to his house.

Thus the items in the house were distributed.  As I told my siblings, this would not be an equal process. I wasn't about to limit everyone by the small number of items taken by a few. Nor would I force anyone to take more items just because some of the siblings were taking more. All of the stuff needed to go. Everyone got to have mostly what they wanted.

There were a couple of blips along the way. Surprising there weren't more, considering the number of siblings involved. But as it turned out, almost everyone was considerate and generous with give and take of items throughout the process. The one exception was the sister who showed up the least to help but who had the most complaints. On the last day of clearing out, she created a big brouhaha over a comic book, attacking people's integrity and fairness. But, as it turned out, all she needed to do was ask for a comic book, and she got it. There was no need for insults.

The same sister raised an issue over wanting a mirror that had hung in the living room. That mirror had been a wedding gift from grandma to our parents. We had all used it all our growing up years for things like checking hair and makeup before dates. In my Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass years, I used to stare into that backwards room as did Alice, and imagine myself climbing through and having adventures in that backward world. The mirror was up for grabs on Sept 23, our first day of clearing. One brother requested it. But later he decided not to take it. Another sister wanted it, but we forgot to tag it with her name, and a few weeks later, as we had arranged for all untagged items in that room, it was removed by our niece and taken to a charity shop. Nobody noticed it was gone.

Until the very last day of clearing, that is, almost two months later, when the difficult sister decided to ask for it, long after the deadline for requesting items from that room had passed. With a little detective work, we managed to find out that it was long gone. One sister (the one who had given up a comic book), went to the charity shop, but the mirror was no longer there. One brother even offered to post a picture and a reward at the shop in hopes of recovering it.

Wait a minute, everyone! The mirror is gone. It is not of great value. And in fact, it had a pretty ugly frame with a bow oddly positioned almost floating above the frame like a star on a Christmas tree. I took the opportunity to suggest we all just let go of the mirror. It's gone. And it's not the only thing. There are a lot of things from the house we will never see again. Our memories of those items will have to serve in place of owning the actual items. Not everything is a treasure. Not everything needs to be carried on in the family.

And the truth is, we all needed to be reminded that letting go of stuff is not only good, but necessary right now. You can't hold onto everything. For one thing, most of the stuff has little or no value. But also, in our own homes, if there's not a good place or a good use for it, it becomes part of the clutter that eventually our own children will have to clear away. And our children will not share those sentiments we held for things like that mirror. It will just be stuff to them. And then, the stuff will be tossed.

I've begun looking at my own home, my own stuff, with fresh eyes. I am seeing the crazy things I've held onto for no good reason for many years. I can see the things I could easy part with right now and never miss for a moment. For example, pillow cases. Over the years, when sheets wear out, the pillow cases seem to still be in great condition. So I keep them. And now I have a completely ridiculous collection of pillow cases I will never use. And I know I will never use them, because every time I buy new sheets, I get new pillow cases to match. Those extra pillow cases are leaving the house this week along with a pile of stuff from that downstairs closet.

And that's just one example.

As I think about the siblings that loaded up boxes and boxes of items, I wonder how much of that stuff will ever make it into display or use. Will they be glad to have it in the long run? Are those things treasures to them? Or will they mostly become worthless clutter after all?

For me, I'm glad I took the approach I did. I have a few small, special things and a couple of practical things that will move right into regular use in my house. Just enough stuff. And I have learned a valuable lesson in letting go of stuff. It's all stuff in the end. Mom didn't take her stuff with her and neither will I.

Internal Bruising

 

 I almost took a serious fall a couple of weeks ago--three different times, three days in a row. All different circumstances and all ending almost okay, except in the one where I hit my shoulder against the kitchen counter as I broke my fall. It left a bruise which the nurse noticed who gave me my Covid booster. I'm hurrying and not being in the moment. I have a lot on my plate right now, and I'm just no good at multi-tasking any longer. I need to slow down and stay aware of my surroundings and what I'm doing.

There's been a lot of pain in my life of late, both literal and metaphorical. And corresponding bruising--a painful spot that takes awhile to heal and feel better.

In the area of literal pain, the arthritis is slowly getting worse. Some days are better than others. On a good day, I wake up, and with a little stretching, my body accepts movement without too much complaint. On a bad day, I can end up practically crippled and must curtail activities. Cold stormy days don't help. I can live with it. I take over-the-counter meds on a rare but as-needed basis, well aware of potential side effects from over use. But I have to accept that pain is part of my daily routine now.

Physical pain is exacerbated by physical overexertion, and I've been doing too much of that lately. Like many of the necessary tasks following my mother's death in July, it has fallen to me to organize the clearing out of her home. That process has necessitated my presence and work in the home many days over the past month now. Some days have been fine, but some days have left me in almost intolerable pain. And the hour drive each way is harder on those bad days. But the work has progressed and we are getting through the house.

Mom was something of a hoarder. Not in the horrible sense like those television shows, but definitely with that mindset. She bought stuff or saved stuff just because she thought she might need it sometime in the future. She bought many dozens of craft projects and supplies to do in her retirement, but the majority of those items remained unopened or incomplete. She had lots of interests but I can see now how she would lose interest and drop something entirely for the next thing she wanted to try. She was somewhat tidy about her hoarding, with most everything in large bins, crates, chests in the basement. But taken all at once, it has been a staggering amount of stuff--all donated or thrown out as there was little there that anyone wanted. 

Last week, I brought home a large bin packed full of knitting yarn. I'm a knitter and yarn is expensive. So I thought maybe I could use some of that. But I no sooner got it home than the horrible thought occurred to me that this was exactly how hoarders think -- put this thing away and I might use it "some day." I'm usually one to buy for a specific project and not stock up on things like yarn. Now, I need to rethink this and maybe donate all or most of that yarn. I swear my children will not have to haul such items out of my house when I die.

Upstairs in the house was different from the basement: the items of greater value were upstairs and it required special handling to make sure all eight siblings got a chance to say what they hoped to get and to make it all happen. My co-executor brother said he did not want a free-for-all of family members going through the house and just taking stuff. He wanted to see something more controlled and methodical. So, I devised a process that ended up being fairly simple and has seen us through almost the entire house now.

I began by setting up a folder on Google Drive and giving everyone full edit rights to the folder. Then we tackled one room at a time, going through every drawer, closet, and shelf, and making a decision for each item: Trash? toss it. Something a sibling might want? Take a photo and place it back close to where it was so it will be easy to find again. Something no family member will want? Donation pile. At the end of the work day, I created a sub-folder on Google Drive with the date and the room in the title, and then everyone uploaded all their photos for that day. In the evening, I emailed everyone with a link to the folder and gave them a 4-day deadline to let us know what they wanted. Anything not claimed by that time would be sent for donation or sold, if applicable. My brother and his kids periodically removed the donation items and trash. Siblings came by and picked up their items. Every work day had its own folder of pictures. Sometimes the deadlines slipped, but overall, we forced people to make timely decisions so we could keep moving forward.

The thing that worked so well was the simplicity of the process. Those working knew exactly how to proceed in any room, and everyone got an equal chance to see all the things we found and to ask for things they wanted. We have encountered very few duplicate requests and those were, so far, easily settled to everyone's satisfaction. Most rooms required more than one day and we have worked two or three days a week, with all siblings volunteering to help on different days. After running this system for about three weeks, I called on my other co-executor sister to take over managing room clearing for a week so I could have a break. She did great with it and now we are alternating and working towards wrapping things up very soon.

Things of greater value were handled apart from the room clearing. We made a list of antique furniture, items with special significance, and other things of greater value, and then asked every sibling to look at the list and tell us their first and second choice among these items. That process did involve a lot of corresponding and some negotiating, but everyone has been really fair and cooperative, and happy with the items they received in the end. Honestly, you find some people who just want everything, and some who want very little. I told everyone right from the start, the process of disposing of mom and dad's possessions would not be equal and don't expect it to be. I did set up a spreadsheet to keep track of each person's requests, but we did not track values. The purpose of the spreadsheet was merely to allow people to see if items were already requested and to set them aside in the designated area of the house. There will be equity when we distribute the cash from the estate, but I can't deal with trying to find a way to make the personal property equal. Honestly, no one has complained.

The process has moved along somewhat slowly, but showing progress every week. But it hasn't been painless. Objects in the family home trigger memories, good and bad. A lot of reminiscing takes place as we work. And we stumbled across many things we thought were long gone. I was lucky enough to get my grandfather's onyx ring. He was such a special person who died when I was only ten. His influence on me is a whole story in itself. His ring is probably not of great intrinsic value, but it meant a lot that I could have it. Another sister requested one of grandpa's old cameras (he was a photography buff) because he died before she was born and she wanted something he valued to feel a connection with him. Everyone had such experiences finding treasures big and small as we sorted through thousands of items.

In many ways, this process has not involved grieving for only our parents along the way, but also for our grandparents, too, as many of their possessions were discovered. Just last Saturday, we found a box containing Grandma C's collection of demitasse cups and saucers from Great Britain and Ireland. We sisters all remember how special those were to her and we were allowed to admire but not touch. I remember those on the special shelves in her kitchen when I was very little back in the 1950s. Aunt Elsie had a similar set and those were prized possessions. As a child, I greatly coveted those precious cups and saucers. Now, I own two of them.

We are getting close to finished now. I was supposed to work on mom's office with one sister yesterday, but a small water disaster in my home forced me to cancel. Mom's office is daunting. So much paper, so many difficult decisions. But my sister is taking charge this week and I will try to get up there on Friday to help with that big task. Our hope is that we will finally make it through the last remaining areas of the house by the end of this week. Then we will give people one more week to request items and will even hold an open house the end of that week, so everyone can come and walk through the house one more time and take home any remaining items they'd like and say goodbye to the house. Once that is over, all items go for donation and we can begin cleaning and prepping to sell the house.

EXCEPT! Except for pictures, slides, movie reels, and numerous documents of interest or importance. All of these items are being set aside for work after the house is finished. Those of us with scanners at home will take home boxes of pictures or documents which we will scan and upload to the shared folder. Then it will be up to individuals to look through the photos and download what they want. This is a massive undertaking but possibly some of the grandkids will be able to help as well. With a big family, we'll try to distribute the work so no one person is too overwhelmed with it. This process could take months. But the items will be out of the house and will not be in the way of those prepping it for sale.

This entire era of time has been stressful to me. I've taken on so much responsibility. I'm always worried I've forgotten something, or someone is being left out or someone is being greedy, or some certain thing should rightfully go to a certain person. As the designated communication point, I've spend countless hours on emails, texts, phone calls. Sometimes I'll spend an entire day going back and forth with individuals. I wanted every person to feel heard and to respond to them with kindness and consideration. Even prior to the house clearing, I was coordinating a couple of legal documents that needed to be sent out, signed, and returned by everyone. And nothing is a simple as it should be. The worry causes me to lose sleep. I often wake after sleeping only four hours, and I begin going over things in my mind to organize for the coming day. Next thing you know, the alarm is going off and I haven't slept enough. Very few nights since mid-July have I had a full night's sleep.

All while I've been doing these things, I've tried to get back to projects in my own house and have actually managed to complete a few things on the list. And a week ago I hosted a dinner for my own children and grandchildren -- the first big dinner in over two years. It was a lot of fun. I didn't cook but ordered meals from three different restaurants so everyone could have what they wanted, and I forgot one son's dinner. But he quickly ordered and picked up something, and we had a long enjoyable evening all together. I told the kids this might be our holiday celebration because if the opportunity arises, I will try to sell my house soon and may not be settled for awhile. But I have left the table set up with all the extra leaves in it and with the extra chairs around. Somehow, it gives me a happy feeling to just look at that set up.

It doesn't help that I had this water disaster in the house just now. The clothes washer drain overflowed and some small areas of carpet in the basement got wet. But the insurance company sent out a cleanup guy and got some fans on those areas right away, and they already feel dry to the touch today. But I need to get a plumber in to clear the drain. I need other guys to repair a few baseboards, clean and retack the carpets. It will be time consuming and lots of phone calls. I know how it goes. It's a setback and takes time away from my other projects. But it is what it is. If I don't sell my house this fall, I'll be disappointed. But it's not the end of the world.

It all takes a toll. And ultimately I find myself distracted, tired, nearly falling, eating poorly, forgetting things, and neglecting to take care of myself. Sometimes the physical pain is very real. And sometimes the internal pain is equally difficult. I feel a bit internally bruised and battered and looking forward to being done with all my duties as executor.

With time and rest, all things heal -- if I can just manage to survive.

A Passage

 Mom died July 16, 2021. There would be no chance to grieve for days to come.

 

https://www.myers-mortuary.com/obituary/Barbara-Griffin

Each ensuing day felt like a year as we went through the rigors and chaos of planning and carrying out the funeral and burial. Now, just 11 days later, it seems impossible that was all nearly two weeks ago. There were some real challenges with just organizing the program for the funeral -- the logistics of working with 7 other siblings and large families all around. Further complicated when we had everything nearly set and we learned we had to move the funeral up a day or delay till the next week due to a state holiday that was celebrated on Friday (we opted to move up a day), and everything had to be reconfirmed or changed. We somehow did it. And by somehow, I mean by sitting at the computer, on text, on email, on phones (both mobile and landline) for 16 hours a day for several days running. On Sunday, I never even got dressed.

My sister and I met initially with the mortuary where mom had made arrangements for her casket, funeral, and burial, but had not given us any clues as to who should do what at the funeral itself. I ordered the flowers, wrote the obituary, and pulled together and arranged photos for the online slide show which was also shown at the mortuary during visitation. I worked out the program with some help from siblings. That part was challenging, with people unsure if they could be in town, and many wanting to be pallbearers but few wanting to speak. In the end, we had a really nice mix of speakers, musical numbers, prayers. The sister who was helping with the program was also working full-time and ended up needing my help to follow up on items while she was at work, including making arrangements with a bagpiper for songs we wanted and what time to be at the cemetery. I also coordinated with our officiator who was from mom's local Mormon ward but also happened to be an old high school friend of mine, going over what we needed him to do in conducting the funeral and the topic of his remarks.

It sounds like I did it all. I did a lot. But each of my siblings were making their own contacts with their family members and coordinating back with me, and I was the primary contact for the mortuary. So I didn't do it alone--everyone had a part. My older sister headed up notifying extended family. My brother's family arranged a family luncheon for after the funeral. Some siblings found photos for the slide show. But I did pull it all together in the end. It was so much work, in fact, that it was hard for me to have time for grieving or even accepting that our mother had gone.

The day after the funeral, I crashed. I was numb and trying to come to terms both with losing mom and wondering if we had honored her well. I began thinking of things I should have mentioned, should have done. I didn't do much for four days, trying to make the mental and emotional transition, trying to find some equilibrium. Now, on day five, I am starting to function and getting ready for some sense of normalcy and routine -- starting with cleaning my house which has been badly neglected. I'll give myself some slack as enter a new phase of my own life. There is still much to do.

I wrote the following rather light-hearted reminiscence and posted it to Facebook. It's all true. Click on the link above to read the obituary, watch the slide show.

*****

I'll tell you something about my mother a lot of people don't know: she was a computer geek. It's not so strange for a woman to be sharp at computers. Except for her generation. She was born in 1928. She got her first DOS-based personal computer when I got mine sometime in the 80s. I worked for a small computer company and we dealt in mainframes, but eagerly awaited the advent of affordable personal computers. Mom and I taught ourselves DOS, word processing, and dBase by watching programs on public television. She wrote little database programs and mastered file management; later graduating to spreadsheets and specialized software, Windows, and more advanced uses. She was sharp and really did get it. She used her computer every day and upgraded to new ones as time went on. In her work at the IRS, she was often called on to participate in computer testing and training. At home, she made crafty things for holidays, grandkids, church. She had no fear of technology and bought apps, printers extra drives -- all kinds of goodies. If I were to criticize one thing, it might be that she ran disk cleanup way more than necessary (haha). I think she was ready to upgrade to Windows 10 when we deemed her a little dangerous on the internet and had to implement some curbs. And as cool and surprising as this little story is, it's just one of many things that my mother mastered in her lifetime.

 

It was with heavy hearts we buried my mother today surrounded by all of her children and many of her large family. She had the funeral she wanted -- a big, traditional Mormon service. The service of mostly grandchildren speaking, singing, praying, and participating as pallbearers was so lovely and she would have been tickled pink. We even had a very fit young granddaughter as a pallbearer who performed her duties in high heels. Mom would have loved it, as well as the bagpiper who played Going Home, as she had requested (and made us all cry).

 

You can read a little about my mother in her obituary at the link above, and watch a really wonderful slideshow of times of her life there, too.