It's been a long old slog getting to where I am today. I've been bogged down by so many things: pandemic, mom's illness and death, clearing mom's house, downsizing everything in my own house and a long list of to-dos. I have serious mood swings and bouts of motivation and lack of. I set goals I can't achieve, and feel like a failure. I look at houses for sale online and feel utterly discouraged by the crazy prices. (It turns out my county is one of the top 14 in the country where housing has become unaffordable!) I am repeatedly let down by people I hire or who I otherwise depend on. I often feel depressed. Some days, I sit on the couch and only get up to feed Frankie or let him out.
But I feel lately that something is changing. Maybe it's spring and improving weather. Maybe it's because I've had a couple of breakthoughs that feel like real progress. Maybe it's my mind finally settling into a transition from what was to what can be.
Changes in my community are huge and stark and not necessarily nice. Where previously existed houses and empty lots are now rows of condos and apartments. My favorite Mexican restaurant is gone, giving way to development. My favorite Chinese takeout has closed with the owner's retirement. Even natural events have changed the landscape: trees blown down in a storm or dying of old age leaving big gaps that makes my heart sad. My former thoughtful neighbors have moved away and I'm left with people who don't care about upkeep on their yards or houses and who let their dogs run loose and bark constantly. I know every neighborhood has its problems, but I'm surrounded by a new ugly.
So much change. My daughter commented the other day that she had wondered if she would miss our house when I sell it. But then she said that the house has so changed from when she lived here, that almost nothing is the same anyway. And it's true. The stone fireplace is the same but nearly every inch of the house and yard have otherwise changed over the past 10 years or so. But for me, there's still the nostalgia of the view of Antelope Island and scenes west from my perch on the hill. And watching the changing sunset sky over Mount Ben Lomond to the north as I sit in my TV room. And simply the peace of my patio, watching birds and enjoying a cool place.
But my mind is changing about those things now, too. You can see Ben Lomond from many places throughout the valley. Antelope Island, too. My next house will have different views, but the important thing is that I can make it another place of peace and enjoyment. I think forward to that time now with more anticipation than ever. And it makes me feel excited that I will be so close to my kids and grandkids.
I made a list of all the things I still need/want to do in my house; 80 things! Well, large and small things including washing all the walls in the house. There are things on the list others tell me I just don't need to do. But it's a matter of pride for me. I want to turn my house over to its new owners ready to live in. I have been overwhelmed by the size of the list and it has caused some failure on my part to get anything at all done. But I'm resolved now to do just ONE thing. And when that's done, do another ONE thing. And stop thinking about the big picture, the whole list.
April has been a success as far as downsizing personal items in closets and drawers. I suddenly became bold about giving away clothing and personal items. My daughter gave me a good tip: pick out the things you want to keep. Then get rid of everything else. It was a good approach and was pretty fast going as well. I'm embarrassed to say I found some items in the closet with new tags on them still--never worn. But either too small or no longer something I like. That money is already spent and I gain nothing by holding onto the items. So out they go. It was liberating to be so bold. I have reduced my clothing alone by nearly half.
It's a problem for me that I often have a lot of real physical pain and it holds me back. But I have to live with that and do what I can. Some days I have to do small tasks with no stair climbing. Other days I feel strong and nearly pain-free and can handle many trips up and down. But those stairs are a daily reminder of why I need to move soon.
I'm not sad about the big changes I've made so far -- selling the piano and desk and getting rid of so much stuff. Transitioning to life without those things has really been quite easy. And that's proof, if I needed any, that it doesn't matter how much or what items I keep or get rid of, I am fine with all of it.
Every week there are one or two houses without stairs listed for sale in the neighborhood where my sons live -- my target location. I have to be sure I'm not being too picky and understand that I have to compromise on some wish items. But the two this past week were both very close to the freeway. I want something a little further east than those so I can enjoy being outside. The two last week were possibilities but really represented the highest end and lowest end of the possibilities in those homes. One was really too small and a bit run down. The other was lovely in every respect with a fireplace and high end finishes, but also very high priced -- almost the same as my larger house would sell for. I want something in between those options. I do have a wish list, but I'm willing to compromise. And I'm not averse to doing some changes once I move in. I consider each house that comes up, and imagine how it would be living there. Truly trying to make a mental transition from here to there. I can't change the location or size of the house, and those are basic to my wants. But otherwise, I'm keeping all options open.
Change is hard. And I think it's particularly hard when we're old and set in our ways and used to things the way they've been for a long time. But it's really important for me to embrace change right now in order to make a comfortable, livable life for the remaining years I have.
