Friday, July 2, 2010

A series of slightly strange and totally unrelated experiences

A series of small things have occurred this past week that by themselves are insignificant, but taken together, raise questions in my mind.

After struggling for a week with getting the tire back on my new bike and hooking up the brakes, I finally gave up and decided I would have to get some professional help.  And then, I tried one more time.  It was like I had an epiphany.  I looked at the brakes and knew exactly what I needed to do.  Click, snap, it was done.  I can't imagine why I had so much trouble or why I suddenly saw the solution.

A couple of days ago I blogged about a young female deer that wandered into my backyard and hung by very close to me nibbling at goodies in my yard.  It was a singularly thrilling moment to see that animal so close up while unaware of my presence.  Her front legs - so slender, they look incapable of supporting her.  Her extra tall ears that she will eventually grow into.  Her lovely tan fur that will go more gray in the winter and as she ages.  It was my second close encounter with her this week.

Later that evening, after dark, I was inside opening up windows to let the cool night breezes into the house when I was startled to find myself standing in front of the tall living room windows, brightly illuminated in the glare of a police spotlight.  The light stayed on me for awhile and then swept the front yard, and as the patrol car inched down the road, swept the houses and yards of my neighbors.  Looking for someone.  I didn't feel scared, but did lock the door to the patio where I'd just been sitting.  I have no idea what that was about.

Last night was the first night all summer I slept with the windows closed and the AC running as the temps were still in the 80's at bedtime.  But at 2 a.m., I awoke for no reason.  And decided to see if there were any cool breezes to be had.  I opened windows and then sat for a bit by the living room window looking out at the night.  I thought I could hear water running.  I could see water in the gutter under the street light by my neighbor's house.  Having had some real water disasters here in the past, I dressed quickly and went out to investigate.  Yes water was streaming out of cracks in the road and flowing down the street.  I called the city's emergency water number.  To make a long story short, it was a break in a water line, and about 12 hours later, the line was fixed and back in service.  Had I not awakened when I did, the broken pipe would have gotten worse and serious damage could have occurred as in the past.  Why did I wake up?  Why did I decide to open windows?

Now running on no sleep, I am glad I decided at the last minute yesterday to ask for the day off from work.  I had been working on a project that required me to work in raw HTML code -- not exactly my forte.  They wanted it finished by Friday.  I hit a roadblock.  Something was broken in my code and I couldn't figure out what.  Again, as if an epiphany, I realized the very simple thing I was doing wrong.  I finished the project on Thursday and was able to start my holiday weekend a day early.  Good thing.  My brain would not have functioned well today on so little sleep.

Although, today, after a little research online, I managed to purchase a simple bike rack that I thought I could manage.  And after studying the directions, got it assembled and mounted on the car, got the bike loaded on and tied down, and took it for a test drive.  Beautiful.  I'm ready for my ride tomorrow and no longer any need to remove the tire to fit the bike inside the car.

This morning as I was making coffee and keeping an eye on the street workers, a huge black cat came into my yard and onto my patio.  I turned on the outside lights to get a good look.  A well-fed fluffy beautiful cat.  I had never seen it before.  We almost never see stray cats or dogs in the neighborhood.  People keep their pets in their yards.  No idea where this cat came from or where it went.  Some people think animals come to us as messengers.  I'm a skeptic.  But the animal world is certainly making itself at home with me.

Tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of the death of my ex-husband.  I have been thinking about this as the time has gotten closer.  I have decided that it will be a turning point for me.  I need to stop being sad about that loss.  I need to stop thinking of my house and yard as still his and mine.  It is just mine.  I need to stop hoping he would be pleased, and stop feeling regret that he didn't get to enjoy this new thing or that.  I looked up the 5 steps of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.  I know I didn't do any bargaining.  And there was very little anger.  But yes, denial, depression, and acceptance.  When my boyfriend moved to Minnesota two months ago, it was yet another loss and a setback.  But I am determined that there will be an end to sadness and it starts tomorrow.  Maybe I don't need to do all the steps.  I just need to want this change enough to make it happen.

Perhaps being alone so much of the time, I'm overthinking everything, and small things seem enlarged.  It occurs to me I may even be becoming weird or eccentric.  But I know one thing:  I am very very lucky to have the life that I have, with its opportunities and rewards.  I don't take that for granted.  Things can happen and life can change so quickly.  A year has passed.  There will be no more mourning.  Tomorrow truly is the first day of the rest of my life.

UPDATE:  Dammit!  The street sprung another leak.  This time water came bubbling up right in front of my house.  I called the city and quickly filled every sink, tub and every possible water-holding vessel, and finished filling the tub just as the water shut off. Police have blocked off part of the street and are directly traffic.  A crew is on the way.  And we just play the waiting game now.  I think it's time for an adult beverage.

1 comment:

Jacqui Binford-Bell said...

The "steps" of grieving are not steps. We don't necessarily do them all and certainly not always in order. And life can spring us back to a step we had thought completed and there we are again crying for what seems no reason.

It has been more than 20 years since my mother died and yet there are things which will bring her to mind as if it were yesterday like making her spaghetti sauce or pulling weeds in the garden.

It is just the emphasis we put on the memory that changes. They become more pleasant somehow and less a cause for agony.

I am one of those people that believes animals come as messengers. And no I cannot tell you what your cat and deer mean. We all have our own totems. For me it is hawks. In times of trouble they seem to be everywhere as if to tell me it will be okay.

When we are at peace with ourselves we are more aware of what is around us. Synchronicity is in play. We see and hear things others miss because of self involvement or over business. Enjoy your ride and listen and see what is around you.