2016 Spring -- What I've Been Up To

I've not posted in quite awhile, but I've been busy. Alberto's crew was just here for the spring cleanup,and they did a really fabulous job.  The yard isn't terribly colorful at this moment.  The earlier spring blooms have faded and are ready for dead-heading.  The mid-summer blooms are just barely starting to show.  But even so, the yard is pretty and lush.

I took a bunch of photos today despite it being cloudy (and has now started raining).  I want to use this post as a pictorial reminder of the things I want to tweak in the fall and spring.  The thing most needed is moving plants to a better location.  I am adding notes with each photo to help me later.

As for me, I've been seriously focusing on self-care, or "kind" self-care, as I like to call it.  I read some of Anne Lamott's ideas on radical self-care, and at first I was taking that approach as well. But for me, the word "radical" felt too militant and forceful.  What I thought I needed was self-care with a lot of TLC.  I am seeing real results in my efforts.  I feel better, I look better, I am happier, and I have more energy to do the things I need to do.  I realize more than ever before, that I need to take care of myself first.  It doesn't mean I don't do what's needed to help my family and friends.  It only means that if I neglect myself in the process, I not only harm my own health and well-being, I'm not really able to give the time and effort needed to help those who depend on me.

Changes eventually become new habits.  And you're never too old to change.  When I want to change something specific, I set some short-term goals to focus on just that one thing while not neglecting my other newly-formed habits.  So change is gradual.  But at some point you surprise yourself with where you are overall.  I'll say I'm happy to be where I am but I'm not finished yet.  This year will continue to be the year of Kind Self-Care.

And now for the photos of the yard.  The photos start at the back patio and make a circuit of the entire yard with some commentary.

Starting at the patio looking to the backyard, I like how they cut the vines back to the retaining block wall. I still have patio cleanup to do myself.

The shade garden has plenty of plants but is slow growing this year. It was a cool wet May, but the new warmer weather will get things moving.  Only thing to do in the fall is remove remaining iris plants.

This shade garden needs more. Right now I have some pots of volunteer plants ready to pot somewhere else.  I added petunias, but I don't think I get enough sun for them to thrive.  So more shade-friendly plants are needed. Favorite new plant here is a bellflower.

This middle upper level is fine. I won't plant anything here. I have a project for those bricks in the foreground.

Oriental poppies were glorious here for a couple of weeks, but gone now. That iris in the front needs moved to the back. I had started some Mexican sunflowers at the back from seed, but Alberto's guys tore them out thinking they were weeds. I'll try again and see what I can get this year.  There is a cone flower here that needs to be moved.

Still need to get rid of that old grill.  I tried taking it apart, but the bolts are rusted tight.  We have extra trash pickups throughout the summer and I'll try again to get rid of this.

I lost one of these small trees in the winter which opened up the upper backyard a bit and made it sunnier.  I have water coverage on some of this ground, so I want to add some of my perennials here and maybe some large grasses.

A gopher tried to kill the ornamental pear third in this line. I've braced it with a rock and am trying to save it.  I'm diligently watching for new gopher mounds and applying smoke bombs to the burrows, which seems to work well.

A view looking down the steps where a little Frankie looks for gophers in the vines.

The upper corner garden is about as nice as it's ever been. I will have color all summer long here.  The ajuga along the front are transplants from elsewhere.  They took well, and I'll add more all along that edge.  I need to move the white salvia that's hidden behind the large coreopsis.  I have added a dozen small zinnias for summer color.  I'd like to find a perennial to replace those.  For now, I handwater the zinnias because they need more water than the perennials.

Gopher mound, grrr!  Right in the middle of my beautiful corner garden.  I applied a smoke bomb today.  Hope it works.

Love this pink salvia.  I think I'll repeat this along the long east side of the yard.

I fogot to get the guys to remove this yucca.  It has become yucky and needs to go.

The big view along this side looks pretty and there will soon be more color.  But there are a couple of problem areas to address.

Here, the artemisia needs move nearer the sidewalk in line with the new blue fescue.  The coreopsis needs to trade places with the hyssop behind it.  The columbine needs move away from the catmint.  The whole area needs more water.  I want to add a salvia and a couple of the sedum that I have in the corner garden.

This area is just sad. Definitely not getting enough water.  The geum needs moved away from the lavender.  I want to add a pink salvia and some more of the same sedum here to repeat that look along the sidewalk.  Need to solve the water problem.

The purple catmint is waning and the color will be replace by the Russian Sage soon and the orange hummingbird plant will add a punch of color.

Ice plant is dying out everywhere.  Some of the pink chintz thyme died here too.  I might just dig up the old ice plant here.

A very shady interior spot. I have a few things planted in here, but I don't think I should pursue plantings here.  Maybe just a nice little park bench to dress up the space.

Lots of competing ground covers here.  I've severely cut back the hummingbird plant as it encroaches on everything.  Also here are ajuga and thyme.  I will be moving a lot of this ajuga to the along the east side of the yard.

The Mexican primrose came back this year.  It's much pinker than this picture shows. This side of the house is so shady now and I've lost a couple of fire bushes here.  I have to think about what to do with this space.

This area right by the driveway is a problem.  Too much hummingbird plant here.  I've lost a number of plants I've added here, so I'm not sure what to do.  Giving it some more thought.

This funny little triangle has both a lot of shade and a lot of hot sun.  Some bee balm in here is struggling.  I have yarrow and new salvia and gaura plants.  Need to move that artemisia to a sunnier spot. Too much coreopsis here.  I should replace a few coreopsis with blanket flower for some variety.  Also, maybe add a pink and/or white salvia.  Decide what to do about the bee balm.

I discovered a stonecrop plant that volunteered where i had dug up an old one to move to a better area.  I think I'll move this to the front corner garden.

The blanket of pink chintz thyme looks brown now that the pink flowers have faded.  Sometimes I actually trim the dead blooms off to let the lovely green of the thyme plant to show through.  It's labor-intensive but worth it.

The wisteria has sent up wonderful vines climbing all over the arbor I put up last year.  I had the guys trim it up.  Next year, I should start getting blooms again.

I removed all the old phlox in the front garden. It was hopelessly full of grass.  Now I have lavender, Jupiter's beard, and blanket flower here along with the mugho pine shrub.  I'll keep this just as is for now and decide next year whether to change anything here.

The next few pictures are the hidden west area of the house.  Basically, just a route between back and front yards.  Also, some views of the fence and property line.  The house next door is for sale.  I hope I get some good neighbors who take an interest in their yard.

Front corner garden.  I like how this is coming.  Need to be sure water is getting everything. Move the purple salvia away from the white salvia.  Add the rock crop here and maybe some of the sedums that I have in the upper corner garden.

The rock wall is fine but weed prone.  I will try some Preen in here to keep the weeds at bay.  I notice the guys left a lot of morning glory in here.

Lower corner from another angle.

Before the coreopsis bloomed, I had glorious yellow iris in bloom here. This garden doesn't need a lot of change,  But is a little bare on the east side.

 

This is a new garden spot near the back yard. It was all Jupiter's beard, but I added iris, asters and coreopsis last fell.  All took off great. I have to work to keep the Jupiter's Beard at bay.  I'm thinking I might move some of my hybrid day lilies here that are sitting now in shady spots and not doing so well.

Some of the backyard pots.  I have an unbelievable 30 pots large and small to hand water this year.  I won't do that again!

And back where we started at the shady patio.

Changes

At one time I was maintaining five different blogs: a political blog, a movie review blog, a book review blog, a personal blog for public view and a personal blog for my view only.  I have recently suspended the book and movie review blogs and today I'm suspending the political blog, my old Red State Blues.  I have been very inactive in my posts to these blogs and it's time to acknowledge I have no desire to maintain them any longer.

The next casualty may be this blog of "My So-Called Life". I find the blog has become repetitive and even dull -- even for me.  Pictures of my yard, birds, and my dog. I'll have to see how I feel about it in the coming months.  I need an infusion of creativity.

I'll continue with the personal blog for my view only.  It has become so helpful in tracking my efforts in many areas.

By suspending blogs, I'm not deleting them entirely -- yet.  If I have a change of heart, the old blogs remain in the Blogspot system should I want to reactivate them. But these changes are good for now.

Flying by the seat of your pants

Frankie, relaxing in a sunny spot -- the only thing on his agenda.

Some years ago I had a friend who laughed at all my lists and planning.  This friend suggested I could benefit from living life a little more by the seat of the pants.  I actually did try it for one day.  And then reverted back to the safety of my lists and plans.

My life lately has become more regimented than ever.  I use all kinds of electronic reminders to keep me on task and on time.  In the mornings, I have alarms set on my phone to wake me, to tell me when it's time to wake up the first grandchild, time for him to leave for school, time to wake the next child and time for him to leave for school.  My little dog Frankie knows what each of those alarms means and he jumps into action at the first sound. In the afternoon, I have another alarm to remind me to pick up the kids from school. It might seem excessive, but I never want to be a grandma who forgets her grandkids -- and I don't trust my memory.

So the alarms may make a certain amount of sense.  But I also have calendar triggers and popup reminders.  Each day of the week is dedicated to some goal: housecleaning, one-day project, clean the car, laundry, shopping, etc.  I even have a rotating weekly schedule of rooms that get an extra bit of attention on housecleaning day.  I have quarterly reminders for changing furnace filters or dusting the tops of door frames.  Yes, it's that detailed.  There's more, but you get the idea.

And if that weren't enough, I decided this would be the year of improving my self-care and I set up a spreadsheet to track 10 items of self-care daily.  After a few weeks, it became very clear where I was failing, and I narrowed the items to three.  But now, I find I have trained my mind to think of all those things every day, and tracking is just becoming cumbersome and annoying. I think I may be able to do this self-care thing without a spreadsheet!

And then one day last week, a little thing popped up on social media reminding me of my plan six years ago to try a little seat-of-the-pants living.  It made me laugh.  Oh how far I've gone in the other direction!

One thing my life lacks is spontaneity.  I know it would be good for me to just ignore the day's task now and then and do something entirely unplanned.  And knowing me, I'd probably soon assign myself a day to do that!  Hah!  I can't escape my own organized ways. 

But it's something to think about.  At age 68 can we change?  I never give up and always try to improve on who I am and what I do.  But seriously, maybe I need to ease up on myself and not regiment my life so much.  Instead of cleaning the car on Wednesdays, maybe I'll just clean it when it needs it.  I could probably do that with housecleaning and laundry and shopping as well.  Could I possibly just wake up in the morning and decide how to spend the day?  What a thought! 

I rely so much on those triggers and reminders.  Do I dare delete a few of them?  I may just try.  I'll have to report later on the result.  Stay tuned.

Wasting January

December 2015 brought lots of snow and lots of snow shoveling.  I was no slouch in December!

Three years ago this month, I retired.  And I have to say I love it.  Every bit of it.  Except January.  That first January, my house was still getting its last remodeling with the Upstairs Doors and Floors project.  Frankie and I were stuck in the basement to stay out of the way, and consequently, spent a lot of time by the lovely warm fireplace binge-watching Netflix.  I felt a little guilty, but not too much.  By February, I didn't have workers around as much and I got myself in gear and got some neglected things done.

You know me -- I like to get things done.

But since then, I seem to have fallen into a pattern of wasting January.  And again, this year, I am guilty of that.  The cold bothers me so much more these days.  My body feels stiff all over and just wants to be warmer.  I am guilty of spending more time by the fireplace and, alas, napping on the couch under a warm blanket.  I try to take Frankie for walks, but neither of us likes it, and we hurry home to find some warmth again.  I swear, I could just hibernate through this month and be perfectly happy.

Except, I do still care for the grandkids mornings and afternoons.

Despite the need to wake up around 4:30 a.m., I find myself glad to have the routine of tending the kids and getting them off to school in the mornings.  This past Christmas season, they spent three weeks in Brazil, and were just back last week.  While they were gone, I often woke up as early, but drank coffee in my comfy bed while doing crossword and sudoku puzzles.  Some days I stayed in my robe until noon like some female version of The Dude.  I got very lazy.  On the plus side, I started getting sufficient sleep which has been an aim of mine for a long time.  But when the day came that the kids returned to school, I had no trouble getting back into the old routine.  And I found I felt better for getting up and moving.  Of course, time with the grandkids is a reward in itself, too, and I had really missed it.  This responsibility at least forces me to get showered, dressed, and coffeed  up early in the day and gives me a good start.  I need that kickstart.

But the momentum doesn't last once I return home.  I sit down for another cup of coffee and a look at the internet.  I have my To Do lists, oh yes.  I have something I want to accomplish every single day of the week. And I have my list of self-care items that I'm working on. Most of the year, I'm able to get on those things and follow my plan.  But January has become troublesome.

Last year I had room freshening projects I wanted to do for January, February and March.  I wasted January, but made up so much for lost time in February that I ended up completing my projects on time.  Not unlike the previous two years.  And, so far, this one.

This morning, as I drove home after dropping the youngest kid off at school, I thought about an old friend's admonition to "seize the day".  I thought then of rock star David Bowie who died just a couple of days ago at the age of 69, following an 18-month bout of cancer.  He had released a new album on the Friday before he died, on his birthday.  I wonder how he was able to get through the hard work and the creative challenge of producing that album while fighting that terrible disease.  Almost no-one even knew he was sick until the news of his death.  He epitomizes the meaning of "seize the day".

I want stories like this to inspire me.  To make me remember that today is the only day I have for sure, and not to waste it.  Despite my pattern, I don't want to continue wasting a whole month out of the year.  It means working through pain and discomfort, I know.  My body is getting old and feels achy in the cold, even indoors.  But I need to work through a little achiness and accomplish something.

Well, the month is not quite half gone.  I will try to do better with the remaining days.  Yes, those To Do lists are still there.  I have plenty of things I need to do. And want to do.  It's time to stop wasting time.

Dawn, the day after the first big storm.  It has been a real winter this year. 
Despite the cold, I'm glad for the promise of water for the summer.

Winter Arrives

We get snow storms here in Utah.  We like them: it means water for our yards in the summer.  But every once in awhile, the storm is ill-timed and particularly hard.  That was the case today.  After some unseasonably warm temperatures for a week, a low pressure system moved through bringing cold air and lots of precipitation.

I awoke at 2:30 a.m. hearing a snow plow going up our steep hill.  I looked out and felt a little sick at how much snow had fallen.  I have to leave the house by 6 to go look after the grandkids and get them off to school.  There was no going back to sleep.  At 3:15, I got up and brewed the coffee and played a little Scrabble and Sudoku and watched the weather.  It was snowing hard and not letting up.  My hopes of just driving over and inch or two in the driveway were lost.  At least six inches by that time.  I would have to shovel.

It took 40 minutes to clear the driveway; and there was already an inch or so accumulated again by the time I finished.  Frankie and I headed down the hill at a bare 2 MPH pace until we reached flat ground and then picked up to 20.  Getting home later would be more of an adventure than I wanted.

To get up my hill, you need to get a bit of a run on it and then don't stop.  No brakes, steady gas at just the right pace and steering to cancel out any sliding.  You've got a steep straight stretch followed by two curves and a short straight stretch, all steep, to get to my house.  If I hit the garage opener just after the second curve, the door will be up; and with momentum, I'll glide right into my garage.  You can do it if you have good snow tires, which I do, and if no-one in front of you spins out and forces you to stop or lose your momentum.

Today, as I first approached the hill, I saw a school bus coming down sliding and a little sideways.  Too risky for me, so I turned off and went around the block to start up again.  This time I was behind a guy who was spinning his tires before we ever got to the steep part. I don't want to be behind him, so I turn off and I go around again.  The third time the hill is clear ahead.  I go for it and do fine until the second curve where a truck with a landscaping trailer coming downhill is stopped right on the curve in the middle of the road and clearing snow off his windows.  I'm just three houses away from home.  I get around him okay but damned if the spinning tire guy isn't now right there in front of me barely moving.  I attempt to pass him on the left him since I still have momentum and don't want to stop.  But that means pulling into deep snow on the left where I promptly get stuck.  I pull over as far to the left as I can and wait for spinning tire guy to pass my house.  Then I back carefully downhill into the plowed area in the middle of the street.  Thankfully, I am able to get enough traction to get going again despite the icy road, and make it two more houses and slip and slide up the driveway through four or so inches of new snow, and into my garage.  Feeling pretty teed off right now at the truck that chose to stop right on that curve instead of pulling forward a little and out of traffic.  Also teed off at spinning tire guy for living on this steep hill and not having decent tires on his car.

But I made it.  And I'll stay in now for a few hours before I go out and shovel some more.  I put bird seed in some feeders under the covered patio; and all the little birds are already telling their friends.  The snow is supposed to continue all day today, tonight and tomorrow.  At this rate, we'll end up with two feet.  We need it.  We love it.  But oh what it does to the driving conditions!

Here's the backyard after I got home.

This last one was at 5 a.m. before shoveling

Projects

Six years ago today was day one of my kitchen remodel project -- the second of four major remodel projects in my house:  1)  Exterior siding, roof, patio, and deck (also new furnace and A/C ended up being in that project.  2) Kitchen remodel.  3) Basement and garage.  4) Upstairs doors and floors along with some miscellaneous remaining odds and ends.  All completed by spring 2014.  Along the way, I also discovered my landscaper, Alberto, and little by little, "remodeled" my yard as well, adding a completely new sprinkling system, and finally reaching the point where every corner of the yard was finished and as beautiful as I had visualized it.

I loved doing those projects.  It was hard, of course.  Self-inflicted pain and disruption.  And I did it alone, lacking a husband by then.  But I had a good, dependable contractor who did wonderful work for reasonable prices.  And I was so determined.  In my mind, things needed to take place in a certain sequence, and I followed that pretty much straight through.  I have no regrets.  I love all the changes.  Now I have this beautiful house to live in until I decide to downsize.

In March 2014, just before the fourth and last remodel was finished, my father was hospitalized and it would be a little over a year of illness and decline until he died.  It was the beginning of a depressing and challenging time in my life.  So many friends, husbands of friends, and close relatives have died since then.  Enough said of that time.  I've posted about it before, and I weighs me down to even write the words.

The thing is, I love and enjoy my updated and lovely home. But I never really celebrated completing all my projects--all my home-related goals.  Never congratulated myself for getting there and crossing absolutely everything off those to-do lists.  And I have tried to make lists of new, smaller projects.  My one-day projects, for example.  I wanted to continue being productive and making things better.  It was a good idea, but I just couldn't remain motivated to follow through.  I allowed myself to sink into a depression of sorts.  Sadness and a feeling of loss. 

Grief is the right word.  I generally view myself as a strong person who can handle everything life sends my way without falling apart.  And up until recently, I have.  But maybe it's just been too much at once and I have needed to set other things aside and allow myself time to simply grieve.  Without wallowing and self-pity.  But just time to acknowledge and accept all that has passed, and come to terms with it all.  Has it been enough time now?  I don't know. But I want it to be.  I want to move on.

I love projects and I love being productive and helpful.  My mind and heart are wanting to get back to work on things--to get back to those lists.  Not so much because they are things that urgently need to be done, but because I thrive when I am involved in a project.  I feel happier.  I sleep better.  I even eat and exercise better. 

Today is the first day of November, and the month is a clean slate.  My closest friend is spending the month near her children in California and I've decided to take a break from the social scene altogether until Thanksgiving.  Family matters have settled down a bit, too; although I know how quickly things can change.  But for this clean slate start of the month, I want to see if I can push myself and get back into the things that make me feel good.  Thanksgiving is nearly four weeks away and I'll probably put on another big family dinner.  But until that week, I have some valuable time and I want to use it.

It's one thing to  have resolve.  It's another to follow through.  But I remember how hard it was as I started each new project.  How scared I was to have my kitchen gutted and completely rebuilt.  But I pushed myself beyond my comfort zone to get it done.  To get all the projects done.  It is valuable to remember struggle and difficulty and managing despite it all.  It makes me remember that I am a person who is up to it.  I am up to it. 

So here I go jumping into November with a more positive attitude and a to-do list.  Wish me luck!

Reset

I have again failed to secure my own oxygen mask before assisting others.

A couple months ago after my father died, I wrote about being tapped out.  Well, things did not get easier with so many family members since then needing my help, time, and support.  And recently things got quite a bit harder.  I've had to step up and help even more with grandkids and other help as my daughter-in-law underwent major surgery and later complications.  She has finally returned to work, but is still quite frail which is worrisome.

Harder still, six weeks ago a very good old friend died suddenly in a motorcycle accident.  He was a close friend of my late-ex husband's and as married couples, we all spent a lot of time together.  Even after marriages broke up, he remained a good friend to me--checking on me now and then, inviting me to dinner.  Not a romantic friend, a true kind and thoughtful friend who was always there for me.  We got to where we mostly saw each other in chance meetings at the grocery store, promising to get together soon.  When I saw him in July, I promised him dinner at my house after the grandkids went home.  We had that dinner and a wonderful long and happy visit with plans for the "next time", and hugs and sweet parting words.  What a terrible shock exactly a week later to read online the news of his accident.  That memory remains traumatic to me.  I still feel disbelief.  But I also feel grateful I had a chance to say goodbye in a way.

The result of so much sorrow, fear, worry, stress and genuine physical exhaustion has been that my life feels unrecognizable.  So many dependable, solid things that tied me to the earth are gone and it feels as though I'm drifting up and away.  Indeed, I feel keenly aware of my own mortality.  And I'm aware that at my age, loss will become a more regular occurrence than when we were younger.  A group of old high school classmates have begun organizing our 50th reunion for next year, posting information, photos, reminiscences, etc., on Facebook.  I read through the obituaries for the classmates already gone, and ended up feeling overwhelmingly sad.  I don't know if I'll participate in the reunion.  I don't know if I want to renew old friendships.

The past six weeks, I have not functioned well outside of my caretaking duties.  And have failed to tend to my own physical and emotional needs.  All the to-do lists are forgotten.  I've had too many days sitting watching Netflix in my spare time just to escape from the reality of life.  This week I have finally managed to get back outside and do some fall cleanup.  I've tried to accomplish even just one thing every day.  Some days are better than others.  But as the title above suggests, I'm trying to find the "reset" button that will get me back on track to not only being productive, but also feeling happy again. 

I cannot reach that Nirvana I desire, where no-one gets sick, no-one dies.  I need to do better at coping and functioning in times of difficulty.  I know there are many more such days ahead.

Fall Planting

Now is the time for putting perennials in the ground.  I'm pacing myself a little this year and only buying as many plants as I can plant in a day.  That would be 10 or 12.  Although, I came home with 14 on this first trip.  But I did actually plant 12 of them so far.  I'm posting pictures as I go so I will remember in the spring what I planted where and check on how they fared for the winter.  Planting in September gives the plants time to get rooted and start growing before the first freeze.

I'm working on my yard a section at a time.  This week's plantings were backyard and upper corner.  Next I will add to the east side.  And last, I will add to the front beds.  If I don't get the front planted until spring, that will be all right.

Here's what I have planted so far (I'll probably update this post as I add more plants).

Coreopsis Main Street.  This is a new one for me.  I've only seen yellow varieties of coreopsis before.  So it's an experiment.  Hope it lives.

Sunny south-facing garden at the back of the house.  Here I've added volunteer plants from around the yard as well as nursery plants:  Coreopsis, blanket flower, cone flowers, guara, dianthas.  This bed already had a wonderful large stonecrop that is seen blooming at the left here.  Also, columbine, poppies, and iris.  It has normally been a place for planting annuals, but this summer, I put arranged some of my patio pots here instead of putting annuals in the ground.  I'll be glad to have all the new perennial color here next year if everything lives.

The same sunny garden from the left side: Cone flowers, blanket, flower, coreopsis, lavender, columbine, dianthas, and an unknown straggly plant that I think is a yellow blanket flower that deserved a chance to live in a new spot.

Shade garden, a new plant whose name I've forgotten.  Early spring bloomer with lots of pink flowers. 

Shade garden, common name is Sneeze Weed.  Very pretty and a color I need in this spot.

The hottest spot in the yard, the upper southeast corner garden right next to the road.  Here I already had thriving day lilies, iris, bee balm, lavender, blanket flower, and a lovely pink hyssop specimen seen to the left here.   added three new cone flowers of the multi-color variety, one white salvia, and a pretty little low-growing succulent covered with pink flowers.  If this last does will, I will line the front of the bed with them.  I am succeeding to have season-long color in this bed that is a focal point of my yard for people driving down the hill.  I get many compliments on it.

The same hot garden from the right side.  You can see I did add some zinnias for color this year.  I am working toward not needing to add annuals at all.

Today I also purchased a cordless electric hedge trimmer.  I plan to do some of the cutting down of the perennials starting this week.  With this lightweight tool, I can do some of the work I normally hire Alberto's crew to do.