Harvest Moonset

With coffee this morning, I watched the Harvest Moon setting into a purple haze.  I awoke with no knee pain for the first time in weeks.  My old trick knee has been up to its old tricks.  I'll walk gingerly, grateful to be feeling better.  I'm ready for fall, autumn leaves, bird migrations, perennials dying back. 

A little progress on projects

I have to say, it has really been a tough summer.  I'm sticking close to my dear friend as she grieves.  She said the other day, she wondered if she would ever feel happy again.  There is no medicine for that problem except time.  I feel so sad with her, it is affecting me 24/7.  I, too, long to feel happy.

But we press on.  I have put myself back to work on my projects and today I will finally finish my goal of cleaning out and reorganizing every closet in the house.  Just one hall closet remains.  With this done, I will call my contractor on Monday to set in motion the replacement of all the upstairs doors and a minor remodel of one upstairs shower.  At the same time I will get his advice on a project to replace some rain gutters and install heat tape on the eaves where ice collects.  I also want to initiate construction of a new retaining wall on the west of the house and at the same time, bring in dirt and top soil to build that up where it has eroded so much.  Those are my October aims:

• Replace upstairs doors and shower
• Repair/replace rain gutters, and add heat tape
• Retaining wall and build up on west of house

 I hope writing these specific things down will help me focus on them and get them done.

I haven't decided whether to replace the carpet upstairs or not at this time.  Wood (or laminate) floors would be elegant and pretty.  But the truth is, the grandkids love playing on the soft carpet.  It is old but was very high quality when I bought it and is still in rather good condition.  It is a very dense plush that doesn't mat down at all.  It is somewhat dirty in high traffic areas and I haven't been able to really get all of the dirt cleaned with my home carpet cleaner.  I'm thinking of having a good quality professional come in to clean it.  The one thing I don't like is the color--teal.  It's so out of date now.  But it would cost a lot to replace living room, dining room, hall, and stairs.  And I hate the thoughts of moving my piano, china hutch, and server.  So I remain undecided for now.  I am definitely replacing the couch and chairs.  I'm thinking if I go with solid, neutral colors it will help tone down the effect of the teal carpet. You can tell I'm leaning towards keeping the carpet

Of course, there is the usual fall cleanup outdoors.  I have a week without grandchildren this coming week and I plan to spend that time doing some fall planting, transplanting, and cleanup.  What I can't do myself, I will hire Alberto's guys to do a little later.  They will also winterize the sprinkling system for me.

I hope to have all of these things completed before Thanksgiving.  It will make for a more peaceful and enjoyable winter to have all of that done.

And today, my friend and I will take in a movie.  A comedy because we both want to laugh.  And that will be a small step in the right direction, too.

Sadness continues, and a month of unbelievable sunsets

Oh what a sad summer it has been.  Another loss--my dearest, closest lifetime friend's husband died this week after a short battle with cancer.  We feel we are too young to be widows, but life keeps giving us hard lessons.  I am glad she lives close by and I can help her through the coming tough days, weeks, months.  Life has taken a decided turn and I begin to realize the best days are probably behind us.

I'm having good success at tackling my latest projects.  And I've added a new walking schedule every morning after dropping the kids off at school.  I've been feeling so down and my body was getting new aches and pains, and the long walks do help at lot with both issues.

Every evening I take some moments with a glass of wine on the patio, while the hummingbirds and other feathered friends desperately feed before dark falls.  We have had the hottest July and August on record, and it's still in the 80's at sunset.  But even in the heat, I love those few minutes at sundown.  I've been pretty crazy at taking pictures of sunsets this year, but honestly it is spectacular every night.  The colors are enhanced by the many range fires, dust and pollutants in the air.  Not a happy thought, but there is something thrilling in watching these amazing sights.

This isn't even all of them.  But prepare to OD on sunset pictures.  The dates are above the photo.  All but one were taken from my patio.  For some days I've posted multiple pictures to show how the sky changes dramatically over a short half hour or so.

July 28, 2013

 Great Salt Lake, August 5, 2013

 August 11, 2013

 August 12, 2013

  August 12, 2013

August 19, 2013

 August 25, 2013

August 27. 2013

 August 27. 2013

 August 27. 2013

 August 28, 2013

August 30, 2013

This last photo was with my cell phone, so quality is not as good.  And the sun was actually a huge red orb, but I couldn't capture that color.

So goodbye to August, goodbye to summer.  I consider September the start of autumn, although our high temperatures remain in the 90's, well above normal, and the nights do not yet cool down.  I know the opposite extreme is coming before we know it.

An alter-ego

I loved the Cathy Bates character in the (now quite old) movie, "Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Cafe."  Stuck in a life that seemed to be controlling and stifling her, she came up with an alter-ego, Towanda!  Suddenly, she was able to do amazing things she had not dared to do before.  In doing so, she accomplished much and changed in ways that pleased herself and (eventually) those around her as well.

Well, I've been in quite a funk for months now for a number of reasons.  Mainly too many changes in a very short time.  I don't seem to adapt as well as I should.  And I do feel that life is controlling me to some extent.  Or at least that I'm capitulating when I should be the one in control.  I'm not getting things done like I want to.  I keep feeling like I need someone to fire a starting gun or something.  I plan things out in my head, but can't seem to put the plan into action.  This is not like me!

It's time to bring out my own alter-ego.  Someone who is a part of Becky, but has perhaps been buried in order to get along with the world and take a path of least resistance.  I know who she is.  My alter-ego is fearless, strong, shrewd, and sometimes aggressive when needed.  In all situations, she is constantly alert, thinking, analyzing, deciding.  She is brilliant at planning and executing.  She has a name which I will not reveal here.

I will now make it a point that my alter-ego will be present whenever I'm doing work in the house or yard, when I'm out in public, and when I'm walking or working out, or any other time she is needed.  She will always retire in the evenings to allow the quiet Becky to enjoy some relaxing, meditative and restorative time.

This is not a multiple personality condition, but rather a willful way of selectively using the strengths I have at the times they are most needed and appropriate.  And not always succumbing to passivity and doldrums as I seem likely to do lately.

I think in all of us there is a Towanda character. We bury her in our complacency or comfort.  But it's not really a comfortable place to be and there comes a time to acknowledge that part of ourselves and make use of her to make things happen.

My alter-ego mantra:  Fearless.  Strong.  Shrewd.  Brilliant!

My friend Will

I shouldn't feel the loss as much as I do.  We were only Scrabble partners, and only online.  We never met in person.  But the more I think about it, the more sense it makes.  We met and started playing in August 2009, just a month after my ex-husband died.  I don't know what prompted us to start multiple games simultaneously, but we soon had many games in progress.  A typical evening would find us making rapid moves through our list of games and chatting from one board to the next.  We made moves in the morning over coffee.  I'd slip in moves from work now and then.  Even on vacations, we tried to get a few moves in.  Will was practically a constant companion for me for the past four years.  No wonder I feel this great loss.

It was more than the games.  It was the conversation.  Anyone who knew Will, knows what I mean.  He had a mind like no other.  He had strong opinions but always expressed with uncommon wit and humor.  We chatted about everything -- everything!  Politics, poetry, gardening, our lives, our families and friends.  When his son was tragically killed that January a few years ago, I told him we could take a break, but he said no, he'd like the distraction of the game.  So we played in silence for awhile.  And then he began talking and poured out his joys and sorrows in parenthood.  I recognized his candor was for my ears only and it remains so.  Our friendship grew and it seemed there was nothing off the table for our discussions.  We laughed in our chat dialogues just as we might in person.  His wit was hard to match, but I did my best to keep up.  Just about a year ago now his beloved sister was diagnosed with cancer, and within just six months she died.  It was such a sorrow to him and he was still mourning her loss when he, too, was diagnosed with cancer.  None of us knew at the time he had just a few short months to live. 

His son, Joe, wrote a wonderful obituary that tells the story of his life as well as it might be in a few short paragraphs.  Here's a link to the obit on line.

A friend of mine, the friend who introduced me to Will, wrote a colorful description of his friend.  I hope he won't mind if I repeat it here as it adds further dimension to this character of a guy:

One of my best and oldest friends just died. Dr. Willis L. Pitkin, Jr. -- Will -- was for years my protection against the generalized insanity that is a college English Department. He was also one of the best Scrabble players I ever knew. He grew strange vegetables in his garden, raised exotic chickens, loved plants of all sorts, and was the bane of University Deans and Presidents. His wit was pointed, his writing ditto, and he was utterly fearless. For years he walked from Hyde Park to the university wearing a construction worker's helmet that read "Chicken Little Was Right." His license plate read YNLNOT. His intellect was wide-ranging and he was probably on the verge of solving the mysteries of the universe when he died. Rest in peace, old friend. No, don't. I'm mad as hell you went so soon.

Someone posted on Facebook a link to a letter to the editor published in the local newspaper, the Herald Journal—a column where Will’s words appeared frequently over the years

Remembering Will Pitkin
Tuesday, July 23, 2013

To the editor:
Will Pitkin, a great writing teacher, wrote great letters to the editor. They were short

I wrote a Poetry Wednesday post in 2009 and copied and pasted the snippets of chat from a game where we invented (badly) a rhyme about a Gox.  I feel rather glad now that I preserved that.  I wish I had more of our conversations saved.

In December 2010, after some discussions we were having about the winter solstice, Will sent me the following poem he had written.

Winter Solstice
Will Pitkin

More than two hours ago
I opened the door to the henhouse
And spread across the space I’d cleared of snow
Yesterday’s lettuce from Lee’s Market
And yesterday’s bread (soaked in hot water) from Crumb Brothers Bakery.
Now, along the mountain ridge, the south-most sun
Edges above the solstice notch,
And, framed by the radiant icicles barring my kitchen window,
The hens now peck in sunlight at the frozen leaves
And scratch the scattered loaves, no longer steaming.

Two below zero the reading says.
The hens move about on bare feet, surely miserable.
One, in molt, must certainly have thoughts of doom, fluff showing
That should be hidden, trapping warmth and layered over with full feathers.
She stands on one foot, the other drawn beneath her ragged wing.
She has no thoughts of doom, of anything.
I worry for her.
She does not worry for herself.
I know that she, that they are miserable.
She, they do not.

We tell stories, make movies about elephants and penguins and fish
And their moments of joy, of abject terror, of hope, of hopeless misery.
Elephants and penguins and fish do not tell these stories,
Nor understand them, however slowly we spin them out.
As I mumble my solace, my miserable hens stand mindless on frozen ground,
Pecking their food,
Mindless that tomorrow will have minutes more sunlight
(Mindless of tomorrow)
Or that July will offer misery of its own.

Only a few thousand years ago,
On this very day no calendar had yet named,
A family, a tribe huddles for warmth, awaiting the south-most sunrise.
When the curved edge appears, a thin beam of harvested sunlight
Strikes a rock face
Exactly where they have dreamed, have prayed it would.
A murmur of relief,
Cause enough for cautious hope.
What they witness this day brings comfort;
They will know more tomorrow.

With this blog post, I will try to find a place for my sadness over the loss of someone who came to be a wonderful friend.  He was not one to wallow in any emotion.  Will's words have profoundly influenced my own thinking.  I will always be grateful I had a chance to know this remarkable man.

Life Changes Again

After a four-week "summer vacation" from school, the grandkids go back today.  Oh, it's all right.  They will get a wonderful five-week winter vacation from Thanksgiving to New Year.  Starting today both kids are in school for a full day and I will at last have some good solid time for my yard work and projects.  When I have the kids, we just play together and have adventures.  Even when I think I might just run the vacuum while they are here, it never happens.  We are constantly engaged.  This is entirely my doing.  But it does tend to take time away from some of the things I really need to do.

Another change, very sad, a good friend of mine died this past week.  I only knew this man online--never met in person.  We played Scrabble on Facebook for nearly four years.  In that time, such a rich and happy friendship developed.  I want to write about him a little more in length when I can sit down and do it justice.  This has left me feeling sad and lost without my best Scrabble buddy who brought wit, humor, kindness, and insight to our chats during daily games.  I am losing interest in playing Scrabble at all now or visiting Facebook much anymore as it all reminds me of the one of the nicest people I've ever not met.

I may start blogging more  now, I don't know.  I feel subdued and may be a bit reclusive for awhile.  The grandkids remain a daily responsibility getting them off to school in the morning and picking up after school.  It's a good thing, I know, as it forces me to be up, showered, dressed, and coffee'd up by 6 a.m., making sure I don't lay around wasting the day.

I don't know how to end this blog.  This marks the beginning of another phase in my life.  I think I'll end like this . . .

Evening at home

Things have really calmed down now and settled into a nice routine.  Evey morning and every evening I spend a few minutes on the patio taking in the scenery and watching and listening to the birds.

In the mornings a robin will stop for a quick dip in the birdbath, splashing in the fresh water.  The finches, grosbeaks, and buntings stop for a sip.  The chickadees are very busy now, both mom and dashing to and from the birdhouse where tiny "dee-dee-dee" sounds can be heard.  They'll fledge soon.  It was a year ago today the last little chickadees fledged from that house. A hummingbird tries to stand guard over all three feeders despite a wide spacing of a good 20 feet each.  He can't stop them all and the other hummers manage to get a sip or two before being chased off.

In the evening, it can be a little chilly and I like to sit in the last bit of sun.  Lesser goldfinches cling to the thistle feeder.  The Black-headed Grosbeaks seem to take turns at a favorite black oil sunflower feeder--mostly.  Two young males sometimes squabble and once I saw the older male step in and break them up.  The House Finches and Cassin's Finches fill every possible perch on the tube feeders also filled with sunflower seed.  The Lazuli Buntings find their favorite white millet on the platform feeders.  The doves also like the millet and like to sit in the middle of a platform feeder, causing some disruption to the community.  On the ground, the California Quail cluck as they clean up all types of seed dropped from the feeders above.  The robins are ever present and somewhat aggressive to the other birds, despite having no interest in the feeders.  I think a nest is nearby and they are troubled by all the activity.  The Scrub Jays come looking for peanuts; and if they find none, content themselves with sunflower seed.  Sometimes a little Downy Woodpecker will work his way up the tree trunk finding bugs to eat.  Hummingbirds make a few more visits before dark with the same guy standing sentinel.  Even after the sun goes down, the bird activity continues while there is still light.  And then it is quiet.

With a cup of coffee in the morning and a glass of wine at night, it's tranquil way to begin and end these beautiful summer days.

The end of May and a minor Incident that could have been much worse

It was another rainy day yesterday.  On Monday I visited nurseries and planted annuals in the flower beds and also started a new bed for hostas and coral bells in a place that has become too shady for the usual annuals.  I'll still grow some nasturtiums there as they don't seem to care where you plant them.  Everything seems to be doing well, growing and thriving.  Crossing fingers now for all the annuals.

On the way home from one nursery stop, I had the unfortunate incident of driving over a large item of debris on the freeway.  I couldn't swerve to avoid it in the heavy, fast traffic.  It looked like a car fender and it sounded like an explosion when I drove over it.  I was sure I'd had a tire blowout and quickly moved over and took the exit that was just there at the right moment.  When I got out of the car, I could see no damage except that the right front tire seemed a little low.  I drove straight to the tire store but found them closed due to the holiday.  The tire seemed to be holding, so I drove home.  The following day, I took the car in to get the tire checked, and they found it had a screw imbedded causing a slow leak.  Now the tire is fixed and everything else seems to be okay.  I feel lucky the debris hadn't hit me in the windshield and didn't cause a blowout.  A far worse outcome could have resulted.  If I were a cat, I might cross off one of my nine lives.

So somehow, we have arrived at the end of May.  I have finished all the things I wanted to do outside and will add the usual perennial every now and then as opportunity and weather permit.  The yard is nearly perfect in a rather rustic unplanned way.

Tomorrow my youngest grandson turns 6 years old.  He has one more month of kindergarten and that means one more month of these crazy three trips a day to his school.  The kids are only out for three weeks this summer because of year-round school schedules and changing to a different track.  So I will have them every day all day for the three weeks, and then I will start a new schedule with just two round trips a day to the school and no afternoon tending of my grandson.  I'm glad I've been able to help through this year of difficult scheduling--as kindergarten always is.  And I will continue to help.  But with the two kids on the same schedule, I'll have much more time again and I'll be able to begin to really feel what it's like to be retired.

Now I turn my attention to some indoor projects I want to finish.  It has taken so long to get back around to this, but anymore, I feel good to just get one thing done at a time.  As this month draws to a close, I feel more like I have a handle on things than I have done in a long time.

New Trees and Grass

Alberto's guys are simply incredible.  The weeding and cleanup are done and the new trees and sod are in, along with a new dedicated sprinkling line (drip and spray) just for the trees.  I have four new flowering pear added to the one I already had, one new crabapple barely visible behind the arbor bench here, and a wonderful new blue spruce.  I also kept the little blue spruce that looked like it was dying.  It appears to be trying to survive and I will give it another year and see if it pulls through.

I had dug up the old thyme checkerboard and decided on replacing with grass.  This will make a nice place for little boys' bare toes in the summertime. 

Today we are getting a deep soaking rain with cool but not cold temperatures -- the timing couldn't be better.  My flower pots are all ready to be placed around the yard when the sun comes out.  And now I'll add some annuals to the flower beds and things will be finished for spring. 

My heart feels so happy to have all this work done and things looking so beautiful.  The new trees provide a bit more screening from the road and increase the feeling of sanctuary here.  The birds are already celebrating.

Planting and Patience

Today is just the 14th of May.  I am often planting annuals much later than this.  But with temps in the 90's yesterday and 80's today, even though dropping to the 70's for the rest of the week, I felt the conditions were just right.  I wanted to wait until Alberto's crew came in and did the work I need done first.  But my plans never work out so well.  The city decided to close the road to my house for two days this week -- the same day(s) Alberta was supposed to be here.  So I had to postpone the work.  But with my large patio as a workspace, there was really no need to wait.  And in two days I have planted 23 pots.  Two rather large, and four quite small, and all the rest medium-ish.   I found some good deals on plants, and I think I have spent now about $60 total on all those posts.  A bargain.

I hope Alberto will be able to come tomorrow.  The weeds are out of control and I've decided to have his guys do the weeding one more time for me so I'm not playing catch up all summer.

In addition, they will plant 4 or 5 new trees, put in sod in the backyard to replace the thyme checkerboard that died.  Take out a dead tree and bush, do some general cleanup, and add new bark mulch to the perennial sections.

I still need to plant annuals in the flowers beds - six beds in all.  I started some zinnias and Mexican sunflowers indoors from seed about six weeks ago.  And they are coming along, though not quite ready to go in the ground.  They are on the patio "hardening" right now and I hope to be able to plant them by the end of the month.

I also have quite a few perennials that have over reproduced in one place and need some thinning and moving around.  It's so wonderful having free plants!

With any luck, I'll have all this done by the end of May -- just two weeks..  I try to spend an hour or two a day.  What with tending grandkids every day, this can sometimes be a challenge.  Plus my 18 year old granddaughter is coming to spend a week with me next week, although she is more help than she is work and will be good company.  But that should be sufficient time for it.

Bonus pleasure is the spring migration is underway and every day brings beautiful birds and hummingbirds to the feeders. 

Happy Mother's Day

(Mom, 1954, with Wendy, John and Becky)

At my age, it's rare and special to still have both parents living.  Mine are and still live in the home I grew up in.  It's a lot of yard and house to care for, but they don't want it any other way.  I can't say I blame them.  With eight children and I have no idea how many grandchildren and great grandchildren, they do have help looking after things.

Today is a day to express love and appreciation for mom and all she did for us.  I visited mom yesterday as my own children will be dropping by today.  It's kind of a high pressure day for everyone.  But I appreciate every gesture of kindness.

I try not to give my adult children advice.  Even though I realize I could have been a better mother, I could have done so much better, it's too late to try to change things.  So I listen and I don't judge.  I am grateful my children are all close to me and trust and confide in me.  I am definitely happy to be their mother, so this day is for me, too:  A "Happy Mother's" day. 

Depression

Below is a link to a blog I followed for a short time at the suggestion of my daughter.  It was witty and fun with kookie drawings.  But suddenly it took a dark turn.  The author told us she was suffering from severe depression.  She tried making a few posts, but then she went away completely--for 19 months.  She had a big following and many were worried at the extended silence.  And then finally this week, she entered two new blog posts.  The second explained about the 19-month absence. 

Hyperbole and a Half

It's so honest and painful, yet a good read.  I really recommend it.  For one thing, it helps so much in understanding how a depressed person feels and what they need from their friends. 

I have often wondered about depression and where sadness leaves off and depression begins.  I think the lines are blurred.  I've had so much sadness in the past few years and I've made myself deal with it and be strong.  I function.  But when I'm alone, the old sadness can be overwhelming.  And I'm alone a lot.  But I do get stuff done.  Just consider the major construction projects I've done during this time and the changes I've made in my yard.  And I'm always, ALWAYS there for my children and grandchildren.  My own feelings be damned if one of them needs me.  So I think I'm just feeling some long-term effects of trauma in my life.

However, sometime about a year ago I stopped playing or listening to music.  I love my piano and guitar.  I have a broad range of musical interests.  But all the things I loved no longer had the same appeal.  I could sit down to the piano and barely make it through a tune or two.  It's not that I lack the desire, it's just unexplainable, I can't do it.  Oh, I post videos on Facebook and watch those posted by others.  But this inability or lack of desire, or whatever it is, with my personal music has started troubling me.  After reading the blog post I linked above, I recognized a sign of depression.

But I function.  I am very busy taking care of grandchildren.  I have so much to do around house and yard.  Although I realize I'm slacking off in those areas, too.  I have so much responsibility.  I sometimes just think I'm tired--I can fall asleep instantly almost anytime anywhere.

But I put on a happy face.  I laugh at jokes.  I celebrate holidays.  I visit friends who call--though I'm less and less likely to make a call myself.  And I get out in the outdoors and watch the birds.  This last is the most
enjoyable thing I do.

Am I depressed?  Maybe a little.  Am I sad?  Sometimes, yes.  Am I happy, too?  Yes, most of the time.  I ask myself these questions because if I seriously feel I'm in trouble, I'll call a therapist I have had in the past.

I think we all go through periods of life where we struggle as I am.  And I believe there are degrees in the seriousness of the condition--worse for some than for others.  Maybe the single factor that keeps me in there fighting is my kids and grandkids. 

As I said in another post:  It's not easy doing a life.

"When you judge other people remember one overriding axiom: 'Everybody is having a hard time'. Everyone is insecure. Everyone is hassled. Everyone is tired - we all need more sleep. Everyone wishes he had more courage, more money and better social skills. Everyone wants more glamour in his life, and we all desperately need more laughter. Few can figure out how they ended up living the life they lead. Don't be misled by flippant talk; it's a battle for everyone... Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."  Joshua Halberstam

Poetry: When We Are Old and These Rejoicing Veins

When we are old and these rejoicing veins
Are frosty channels to a muted stream,
And out of all our burning there remains
No feeblest spark to fire us, even in dream,
This be our solace: that it was not said
When we were young and warm and in our prime,
Upon our couch we lay as lie the dead,
Sleeping away the unreturning time.
O sweet, O heavy-lidded, O my love,
When morning strikes her spear upon the land,
And we must rise and arm us and reprove
The insolent daylight with a steady hand,
Be not discountenanced if the knowing know
We rose from rapture but an hour ago. 

Edna St. Vincent Millay

A quick update

With the grandsons at my house all day every day, I'm getting very little done--including housework and blogging.  But we are having lots of fun and adventures.  The kids are loving it and it is so good for me.  I'm sure not on the couch!  Not to worry, all is well.  We just have to prioritize.  Hopefully, I'll catch up on some housework this weekend.