I want to be this woman

I clicked on the link to read about a Picasso exhibit. But I found myself staring at the woman in the picture who was staring at the paintings on the wall. I sized her up. A lady of leisure, no worries about money, perusing art during the museum's slow time - while others are at work? -- in low heels and a fashionable outfit, standing on floors that reflect everything, wealth, comfort, leisure, and yes the art on the walls.

I could be completely wrong, but this is who I imagine her to be - somewhat enviously how I would like to be. Not having to be at work at 8 a.m. Not worrying about money. Just standing confidently in my place in the world, admiring beautiful things. Perhaps even creating some.

I'm sure I'm wrong. About the lady, that is. But not about my envy. I think more and more about all my friends who are already retired yet we are barely 60. They invite me all the time, come do this with us on Wednesday afternoon -- they know I work, but they somehow imagine that I don't really need to be there. Come. Have fun with us. I wish I could

My BF reminds me how lucky I am. Relatively secure, healthy, able to work and support myself without a husband to help. Give yourself a break, he says to me. You've worked hard for a long, long time, it's time to start winding down -- transitioning. I'm listening.

But here I sit in jeans, turtleneck, and tennis shoes - my uniform. Why don't I look into some fashionable outfits? And art exhibits and concerts are already liberally interspersed in my schedule. And I have a lot of vacation time saved up at work, which means every once in awhile I can use it to join my friends when there are no crowds at the museum.

And I looked again at the woman, and realized it was me - just in much nicer clothes.