In the driver's seat

Hogsback.  Hwy 12, central Utah, 2011

Driving past the Beck Street gravel pits today, I wanted to look up way to the top to see if any deer were visible against the skyline.  But I couldn't.  I was about to merge onto I-15--not a time for taking the eyes off the road.  When I was married, I was rarely the driver, and I got to enjoy the scenery instead of watching the road.  Spotting deer and birds of prey were just a couple of my favorites activities from the passenger seat.  There are some nice advantages to being the passenger.  Control over your destination is not one of them.

The driver is the one in control.  I may want us to turn here, but he will choose the route he wants.  I'm just along for the ride.  I didn't always like that in my marriage.  It seemed there was not enough compromise.  Not enough consideration for the way I wanted us to go.  And not just in the car.

When I got divorced, I was at first tentative about so many things.  Making decisions about my money, my property, my life.  For some time I felt I needed someone's approval before going ahead.  It took awhile to gain confidence in my own decisions.  That's changed now.  I have moved fully into the driver's seat of my life and am keeping my eyes on the road. This could be a bad thing if I ever hope to be in a committed relationship again.  Will we both want to do the driving?  Is there a way to share?  Is there a man willing to let me drive some of the time?

Men never seem to lack confidence in their decisions.  I find it fascinating.  They speak and act decisively while I dither.  Unfortunately, they also give lots of advice and do not like disagreement.  And then I'm in a position of either backing down from my own ideas or having a debate over them.  I don't care to do that so much anymore.

I don't miss being in the passenger seat.  When I want to view the deer or birds these days, I just pull over and stop.